What if you discovered that all the plans you had made for the last years of your life – even for your funeral-were going to be completely changed without your permission. (Keep reading even if you have no plans. Especially if you have no plans.)

I discovered the shock of elder abuse by family the second hardest way. I also found out about the wrong kind of planning, or rather wrong planning and bad people. I watched, unaware, as a daughter and her family planned and carried out the murder of her father. It is an extreme example, but not rare. It happened because I did not know, and could not imagine, that a crime so hideous ever existed. The evil and horror is seared into my soul.

There were some signs that my friend Rob might suffer abuse by his family. When we met, he had his life in very good order. He had a few common old-age problems – some arthritis, hearing, and memory loss – but none of it slowed him down much. He watched his diet, walked at least a mile each day and was never sick with even a cold. He mentioned that he had had several major surgeries in years past and that his daughter, Dotty, had helped him.

When we met, Rob had his life in very good order. He had some common old-age problems - arthritis and some hearing loss - but none of it slowed him down much; he had a strong constitution. He watched his diet, walked at least a mile every day, and was seldom sick with even a cold. He mentioned that he had several major surgeries in past years and that Dotty, his daughter, had helped him after his wife died. He took one prescription medicine -for high cholesterol.

After much trial and error in the treatment of Rob’s problems from long-ago radiation for prostate cancer, he underwent surgery for a permanent catheter. He handled it well, making the necessary adjustments to his routine. Over the next year, there were a few problems with urinary tract infections – UTIs - which were easily treated with antibiotics and hydration.

Rob was recovering from surgery and getting his strength back, but had occasional urinary tract infections. His daughter, Dotty, was handling his medical appointments and his medications. His infections were treated with antibiotics and hydration, but often caused confusion and disorientation.

After three days in the hospital recovering from a severe infection, Rob was taken to a rehab facility by his daughter, Dotty - against his wishes. Almost everyone, if given a choice between returning to their home or going to stay in a facility, would choose home, although some might really need to go there before returning home. Rob did not need to go to a live-in rehab facility. Rob was not given a choice. He was walking, dressing, caring for himself and clear-headed at the time of his discharge from the hospital.

This was the start. I watched, helpless, as my friend Rob was forced into a rehab facility by his daughter, when he could have gone home from the hospital after recovering from an infection. Most people want to stay at home, if possible, when they need care. He especially loved his home because he had created it. His home was on the water, with wide open views of water and sky. He had transformed the original 2-story townhouse into a huge open space with vistas from both floors and striking décor.

As Rob spent a month in a rehab facility, it became clear to me that Rob’s daughter, Dotty, did not want to help him. She actually wanted to harm him, but in secret. I found that elder abuse by family was not an abstract abomination; it was a real-life horror story and I was a broken-hearted witness.

Rob was in a Rehab facility for a month. He did not need to be there and I could not understand why Dotty, his daughter, forced him to go. He did tell her that he wanted to be at home and could have managed well, but did not put up much of a fight when she ignored him.

Daughter isolates him in a rehab facility, seizes his home and car, and forces him into assisted living against his wishes.