CHAPTER 15 - PROOF
Now Rob was trying to settle into another new life, in an Assisted Living institution. He was again very disoriented, restricted and isolated, except for a few days in a hospital for another untreated urinary tract infection. He did experience the same lack of everyday communication with others, poor attention to his medical needs, and lack of control of his life. And again, he did not need to be in an assisted living facility.
I had to acknowledge the abuse he was undergoing, and decide if it was temporary or if it was deadly. In spite of all the signs, I could not face the fact that Dotty’s intention was to end not just the burden of his care, but to end his life.
PLUNDER AND PILLAGE
Earlier, when Dotty had requested that I give her a key to the house, I did so, but did not mention that I had a duplicate. I had debated whether or not to move his laptop, cameras, and any other valuables, to my house. I didn’t. One morning, after he had been in assisted living for about a week, I decided to check on these things.
When I entered, I saw that his house was torn apart. All the kitchen cabinets were open, and some were empty. The big television in the living room was on the floor. The large portable heater was unplugged. The dining room chairs were upended. Two smaller TVs and his laptop and cameras were gone. In the bedroom, every drawer, cabinet and closet was open and empty. There was a large pile of clothing on the bed. In his office, his books and papers were being pulled out onto the floor.
In shock, I left. I did not know what to do. I spoke with some of Rob’s neighbors. They had seen Dotty and her husband going in and out, but no one had any idea what to do. It seemed that his family were in a big hurry to get rid of all of his possessions. And of him.
What could I do to stop them? At the first signs of abuse, after my failed plan to expose the abusers, I had decided not to try any government agencies, fearing the usual incompetence and slow response, and planned to contact his family doctor and an attorney. But this was all happening so fast.
ANOTHER SHOCK
I went back to Rob’s house the next morning to take some pictures of the ransacking. Unbelievably, everything was back in place! Was I losing my mind? Did they know I had been there? (Much later, after the house was sold, I guessed that the only reason for the “clean-up” was that someone was coming to look at the property - maybe a Realtor or prospective buyer.)
I checked again the following morning – all torn up again! All of the kitchen cabinets were emptied into large plastic tubs. The three television sets were gone, along with this laptop and cameras, and the heater. His office was trashed.
Over the next few days, Dotty or her husband were there every day. It was obvious that they were planning for his death. They took his car, stripped his home and sold it while he was still alive. They cleared out his whole house – 86 years of memories, books, photos, tools, TVs, cameras, furniture, artwork, prized possessions – before he died. They dismantled and destroyed his whole life. It was as if he was being flayed alive: layer after layer of his strength, pride, dignity and hope were stripped. They killed his soul. Killing his body took a little longer.
SUDDENLY VULNERABLE
Rob was the perfect candidate to be a victim. Dotty was his only child. His siblings were not close. He did not have a circle of friends – just me and one couple who were longtime friends. They did as much as they could, by keeping in touch with Dotty, who they knew well, and visiting Rob when they could. They helped by giving me information, since Dotty no longer communicated with me. I had no legal status and Dotty no doubt was telling lies about me to everyone – and especially to Rob. A short-term illness and a deranged daughter led to his confinement, decline and death.
PREVENT THE TORMENT
Elder abuse by family is hard to detect and even harder to believe, especially if you do not even know that it exists. It is an epidemic with no real solution. Attempts to intervene and stop it are almost always a failure, due to the time and costs. Most victims of abuse by family are too old and sick to live through investigations, examinations and court proceedings. And, as horrifying as the actual abuse is, any attempts to stop it often lead to escalation of the abuse.
THE BEST DETERRENT IS TO PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR LOVED ONES
- Learn about the risks and causes of elder abuse by family.
- Educate older adults about the dangers and preventions.
- Prepare legal and financial defenses – no joint bank accounts, proper power of attorney.
- Encourage people to remain as socially active as possible.
- Make a plan for your wishes if you become incapacitated.
- If you have a designated health care agent, stay aware of their possibly changing situation, especially if it is a family member. (I don’t mean to imply that all family members are out to get you. Most are loving, caring people.)
BUT WHAT IF THEY AREN’T ?????
✔️ What is Emotional Elder Abuse by a Family Member: Understanding the Signs and Impact from Aspire Atlas
