Rob was in a Rehab facility for a month. He did not need to be there and I could not understand why Dotty, his daughter, forced him to go. He did tell her that he wanted to be at home and could have managed well, but did not put up much of a fight when she ignored him.

I also wondered why she did not make sure that he had as many comforts as possible, including his mobile phone, laptop, and working hearing aids. Dotty did not pay any attention to my suggestions either, although she and I were there almost every day. When needed, we also exchanged text messages. At this time, I began keeping a daily written record of events, along with copies of Dotty’s text messages and any other documents.

ALL HE WANTED WAS TO GO HOME

My concern grew as I realized that he had no means of communication with anyone unless they were in the room. Even then, face-to-face, his faulty hearing made it difficult for him to connect. His newly repaired hearing aids could not be found. Dotty said she would take him to get new ones when he got out of rehab, but she could have taken him any time.

I consoled – and fooled – myself by thinking that all would be well when he got home. I was taking care of his house and his car, and getting his mail – giving the bills to Dotty. I asked Dotty’s husband to set up the bubbler on Rob’s pier to protect it from ice formation. He tried but it never worked properly. Fortunately, the pier suffered no damage.

Rob, however was suffering damage. He was miserable, missing his routine, his rain or shine long walks in the park, his favorite food and snacks. He was cooped up and restricted, making him feel suffocated. Just the inactivity and isolation would make make anyone feel diminished and helpless.  He was not a big socializer, so the bingo and sing-alongs were not his style.

INTENDED CONSEQUENCES?

Rob often asked me about his house and car and the neighborhood. He loved it all so much and missed it and was homesick. He had occasional visitors, but it was a long drive from our neighborhood. One of his friends told me that Dotty tried to discourage her from visiting, telling her that Rob was sick and didn’t want visitors. Dotty did not tell me about any of his test results and did not include me in any conferences with therapists or doctors, even though I had seen him nearly every day for the past five years.

Another thing that Dotty did, which was curious, was to bring Rob a milkshake almost every time she came, which was usually just before his lunch. It was another piece of the puzzle that didn’t fit. One therapist remarked to me that he should not be in a private room, that he needed more contact with people. He still had no phone or computer and few visitors and, along with his deafness, he was very isolated.

TRUE CRIME

It is elder abuse whenever someone limits or controls the rights and freedoms of an older adult. The victim is unable to freely make choices because they are misinformed about their condition or choices, and they are afraid of being humiliated, hurt, left alone or of the relationship ending. Abuse by family is the most prevalent type of elder abuse.

Rob was becoming the victim of undue influence. It was the way his daughter was manipulating him. I did not know about it or witness any outright adverse treatment – it was all very subtle and deceptive. Most of her actions could be seen as help from a loving daughter.

Rob’s circumstances and withdrawal, however, were signaling the stress and distress he was experiencing, and it would become worse. She was somehow threatening him. It was painful to watch fear and depression take over his formerly bright and funny mind.

I was trying to find a way to stop what was happening, and did not want to tell him what I believed she was doing. She was the only family that could care for him. He had no one but me to try to fight for his rights and I had no legal standing. None of his siblings seemed to know anything about what was happening to Rob. He had one niece who was Dotty’s close friend and would believe anything she was told. I also did not directly oppose Dotty, fearing that she would find a way to prevent me from seeing him. She eventually did, however.

IN HARM’S WAY

To recognize, prevent or stop undue influence or other family abuse, you have to know about it. The victims are the lonesome, isolated, impaired, ill, or grieving. Family members can often get vulnerable people to do things they wouldn’t have done otherwise.

Undue influence is complex. Victims seem to understand what they’re doing. Some defend their abusers even as they reject their loved ones. Those who try to expose perpetrators or undo the damage are often cast as the villains.

WHAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU OR A LOVED ONE

The stages of undue influence: how an abusive relationship develops. [Martin Hagan’s Trust and Estates Resource]

➡ The perpetrator, whether an opportunist or predator, first recognizes that the elderly person is vulnerable. This observation may be based on the older person’s physical and/or mental deficiencies in vision, memory, speech, hearing, or mobility.

➡ The perpetrator next secures the victim’s trust and confidence by being friendly, considerate, and helpful. (If there has been a long-standing relationship between the parties, this trust may already be present.)

➡As the victim grows to place their trust and confidence increasingly in the perpetrator, the perpetrator begins to isolate the victim from contact with other people (friends, relatives, attorney, clergy, etc.) who have been helpers in the past, or whose influence might interfere with that of the perpetrator.

➡In the more obvious cases, phone calls are screened, mail is checked, and attempts by others to visit the victim are discouraged or conducted only in the presence of the perpetrator.

➡The perpetrator creates isolation.

➡The perpetrator can create a warped sense of reality in which the victim learns to regard all others with fear and mistrust. 

➡Gradually, the victim transfers all of their affection to the perpetrator. The victim will even lie about their condition to keep away family, friends, the police, or an investigator sent by the area’s Protective Service program.

➡At this stage the perpetrator will begin to manipulate the victim through acts of intimidation and threats, e.g., withholding food or medicine or ceasing any further contact, unless the victim does what is wanted by the perpetrator.

✔Clear and concise article: Bennett Blum, MD.  Elder Abuse, Financial Loss, and Undue Influence: FAQs