After spending a month in a rehab facility, Rob was in worse condition than when he entered. He did not need rehabilitation, so the confinement and isolation were a torment for him. His daughter, Dotty, was taking away his freedom to choose how he wanted to live his life. Now, she was transferring him to an assisted living facility.

In rehab, he was listless and depressed. I finally realized that He was being isolated deliberately in every possible way by Dotty. He so missed his happy and independent life in his marvelous home, even though somewhat limited by his age and health problems. By now, if he had been at home, he would have recovered his strength after his short hospital stay.

He still had few visitors while in rehab. Only one or two other friends visited at all and I knew that several times Dotty discouraged or stopped them. It seems, looking back, that at least one of the many aides, social workers, and therapists, who saw him regularly, should have noticed his isolation and decline. But nothing changed.

HE ONLY WANTED TO GO HOME

Dotty was no longer the pleasant person who had kept in touch with her father even though busy with her travels, her various worthy organizations and her church. Her secret agenda was beginning to show itself. When Dotty took him from rehab to assisted living It was painfully clear that she was intentionally making his life unbearable by brutally isolating and manipulating him. He was very confused and seemed to believe Dotty’s lies, but occasionally told me what he was really thinking.

Rob told me one day that she said there were people who would take care of him in assisted living, but that if he went home he would be alone.  She had orchestrated, in addition to a single room in both places, few visitors, no phone or computer, no working hearing aids and no control of his finances or future plans. What long, empty days for him, what sadness, and worry. Of course, to everyone else, she seemed to be a loving and attentive daughter.

HERE BE DRAGONS

She had his power of attorney, was on the deed to his house and on his bank account. I was at first distrustful, but now distressed. Rob’s ordeal was becoming worse and worse. He occasionally told me things that showed what she was doing in addition to the obvious things. It was now clear that Dotty wanted to make sure that he would never return to his home. She told him that she had to sell his house. She told him that he would never drive again so she was giving his car to her granddaughter. This was a death sentence for him.

I couldn’t persuade Rob to make objections. Dotty was no doubt lying to him and threatening him – probably about abandoning him if he didn’t do what she said. No one else in his family seemed to know  what was happening to him. She had already stopped all communication with me, apart

from a few texts, and I was terrified of somehow being unable to see Rob. I was the only one who was able to be in his new, cruelly restricted life. I tried to see him every day, despite the long commute. It was futile, because as unobtrusive as I tried to be, Dotty eventually found a way.

I MADE A PLAN

I was panicking and struggling about how to stop Rob’s torture. Since direct confrontation with Dotty and her family, seemed unlikely to help, I thought that they might retreat if their actions were exposed. I spoke to some of his neighbors. They were all sympathetic. One wonderful woman, who with her husband was a long-time close friend of Rob and his wife. She kept in touch with Dotty and visited Rob, and relayed to me any information she got. She told me when and where Dotty took Rob to the assisted living facility. (This place was not as shabby as the rehab place, and even had a front desk where visitors had to check in.)

Another lovely woman, a close neighbor, who sadly has died too soon, was very supportive, through visits and messages and offers to talk to Dotty. The neighbors all knew Dotty, and I heard quite a lot about her life. There were others who were comforting before and after Rob’s death and a proposal was made in his neighborhood to name a street after him – the main street where he collected trash for ten years.

For more exposure, I wrote posts on a neighborhood website about Rob’s unfolding nightmare. I got some more responses, but I believe the family abuse aspect made people hesitant about interfering, so nothing changed. Things got worse and worse, and I had to look for other ways to stop the abuse.

INSTANT PLAN

Few people have the time, money and support needed to stop elder abuse of any kind, once it has begun. Very few will ever see the persecutors punished. The best plans are aimed at prevention. My ideas for saving Rob were too late because I didn’t know anything about abuse by family.

There are many kinds of plans, from ideal and detailed to better than nothing. The FIVE WISHES plan is easy, simple, and not only can help to prevent abuse to you or your loved ones but will help families and caregivers to make the decisions that you would. The Five Wishes cover:

• The person I want to make care decisions for me
• The kind of medical treatment I want or don’t want
• How comfortable I want to be
• How I want people to treat me
• What I want my loved ones to know

You can make a plan in minutes, especially if you have given any thought to the possibility of becoming dependent. It is a good way to start, and covers the basics. There is also a legal form to make your wishes legal and valid. (There may be a small charge.) You can get much more information about other plans, but this is a quick and easy way to start.

✔️ FiveWishes.org            A program of Aging with Dignity       888 5-WISHES