I discovered the shock of elder abuse by family the second hardest way. I also found out about the wrong kind of planning, or rather wrong planning and bad people. I watched, unaware, as a daughter and her family planned and carried out the murder of her father.  It is an extreme example, but not rare.  It happened because I did not know, and could not imagine, that a crime so hideous ever existed. The evil and horror is seared into my soul.

SECOND LOVE

Having been widowed for ten tears, I was actively trying - joining civic organizations, taking classes, - but failing, to find someone special. I did something way out of my comfort zone and joined an on-line  “dating” group. It was quite an experience; good for many laughs. (First of all, I had to find one that would take ages as high as 76.) But I found a wonderful man and was with him for six years. We enjoyed the same things and experienced the special pleasures of old-age love and companionship.

Rob was fine when we met; I was 76; he was 80. The attraction was immediate and mutual. Long retired from his work in sales, he had been enjoying his friends, his gardens, and his boat. He loved his town and had lived there for decades. He was good-natured but stubborn, and confident but not overbearing. He was also kind, honest, smart and fun. He had a big deep voice; his wonderful grin was what attracted me to his picture on the dating site.

A wicked sense of humor and pragmatic outlook on life made him good company. He never took himself too seriously. His creative talent showed in the way he re-designed and furnished his home, as well as in the videos and print ads he produced for my real estate business. When he was in the US Airforce, his drawings were used in newsletters and communications. He wrote extensively throughout his sales career and for his neighborhood association.

HOW IT BEGAN

At the time we met, he had been a widower for ten years and needed no help in managing his home and life. He was very disciplined and organized and still wrestled heavy bags of mulch, shoveled snow and climbed ladders. He was an animal lover – the dogs he rescued and his 17-year-old cat adored him. He was an avid walker and the birds and squirrels in the nearby park were glad to see him every day with his treats of peanuts and seed. He loved his waterfront home and hated to leave it for long – even one night.

When we met for the first time, for coffee, he offered to show me his home. Despite all the warnings I had heard about online predators, I agreed. It was fine; his house was very attractive. He was simply proud of the home he had created – not boastful – and, except for his considerable charm, not a threat. Rob’s town was charming and I bought a home a few doors away from his.

He was thrifty but generous. He helped a sibling when money was needed. His many donations produced a constant shower of notepads, trinkets and stickers. He worked hard to help me settle into the home I bought in his charming town – hanging blinds, arranging furniture, and creating new gardens. He bought elegant decorative items and over the years gave me many treasures from his own collections.

The chance to experience new love and companionship in old age is priceless. We enjoyed our time together sharing a simple life of everyday tasks, walking, gardening, and visiting nearby scenic and historic spots. We were very compatible, but did not consider marriage. This would prove to be a huge mistake.

HIDDEN HATRED?

Rob’s daughter Dotty, his only child, lived with her husband, Doug, nearly an hour away. 

Their children were grown. Two daughters lived closer to Rob. Rob talked about his family and about his daughter’s holiday dinners at their home on many acres. Dotty and her husband had a very active social life and also traveled a lot – mostly cruises- often lengthy and at least one every year.

While I knew him, his daughter occasionally called him, stopped in to see him if she was in the neighborhood and met him for lunch if she was in town.  He met very rarely with some of his five siblings for lunch and kept in touch by phone, but they were not a very close family.

YOU HOPE IT NEVER HAPPENS,

As elder people get more frail – physically, mentally, or financially – they need more and more care and attention. They may not see or hear as well and they become less able to withstand any neglect or mistreatment from unscrupulous family members who are caregivers. Sadly, the abusers are most often adult children. Other family members, spouses or partners are also frequent abusers.

Taking care of an elderly, infirm family member is often satisfying and enriching. It can also become burdensome and stressful. This depends on the condition and temperament of the ailing elder – and also of the caregiver. Many are glad to give back some of the lifelong service and sacrifices they have received. Some are not willing to help and are hateful and resentful. These attitudes are obvious. The unseen and often unknown problem is that the circumstances of the willing helper can change over time.

• Changes in the circumstances of the caregiver may be due to mental illness, alcohol or drug abuse, or a hidden or pathological personality trait. The formerly trusted caregiver may have joined with a new spouse or partner who does not want to be involved in the care of an elder family member. 
• There may be issues from long-ago family history that caused hidden and lasting bitter resentments. 
• The caregiver may have a financial need and/or is greedy.
• If the demands of caretaking escalate, as often happens with the elderly, caretakers may experience increased stress. Caring people will not take it out on the impaired elder;  abusers will use any excuse.
  

SAVE YOURSELF

To avoid being vulnerable to abuse you must do two main things: 

First, you must be aware of possible changes and conflicts in any family members you are counting on. 

Second, you must keep in constant touch with friends and family.

Do not assume that the person you choose as your Health Representative will always be ready and willing when you need them. Review your health plans at least once a year.

Rob’s vulnerability to abuse by his daughter and her family was, in part, due to his trusting nature and his belief that his daughter would always be there for him if he needed her. She was there, but not to help.

✔ELDER ABUSE: WHEN A FAMILY MEMBER CAUSES HARM