What if you discovered that all the plans you had made for the last years of your life – even for your funeral-were going to be completely changed without your permission. (Keep reading even if you have no plans. Especially if you have no plans.)

What if you found out that the people who you believed would take care of you in your dependent old age would instead be taking away everything you owned and controlled? What if you learned that you would be involuntarily taken from your home, placed in a facility and heavily medicated – despite all your wishes? What if you were told you would never see your home again, never see your friends and loved ones again? And there was nothing you or anyone else could do to stop it all? Such a thing might not happen to you but it could - and does -happen, even to smart, nice, contented people. Believe it or not - it is estimated that 90% of elder abuse is inflicted by family.

WHO

Most of us, if we live long enough, will become unable to take care of ourselves in some way, short or long term. When we are dependent, we become easy targets for abuse. There are many kinds – physical, mental, financial and material, sexual, psychological, abandonment, neglect, and serious loss of dignity and respect. And there are many sources – government, health and care facilities, caregivers, attorneys, physicians, police, and family members. Your children, your spouse or your siblings,could be hidden enemies. Helplessness, illness, pain, and death are all situations which we might face, at any age, and that we fear. We simply do not want to think about any of it. It’s no fun.

I was one of those. Until I experienced, in prolonged, horrified disbelief, the deadly abuse of my companion, Rob, by his daughter. Because I could not believe that such deliberate savagery could exist, it took too long for me to get help. Time ran out. He was a proud, independent man. He died after being temporarily ill and confused and was put into an institution by his daughter, who knew just how to get rid of him and did so in four months.

WHAT

I am not selling anything. Just the hope that people will realize the risk of dire consequences if they are without a good plan. A plan can be simple or all-inclusive, but there is real danger in not having a plan or having the wrong plan. Elder abuse, especially by family, is the most vicious kind of abuse – easily hidden, hard to fight and almost impossible to stop.

This is true, especially when a facility and/or its employees are complicit in the abuse. I was accosted by a Sheriff's Deputy when visiting my companion who was in an assisted living facility, and I was banned from entering the facility for a year. Just for presenting a signed HIPPA document giving me access to his medical records.

WHY

Knowing what can happen and finding ways to prevent all elder abuse are vitally important. There is a common pattern noted in reports of abuse of elders. The abusers isolate their victims, medicate and/or mentally manipulate them so that they can’t or won’t speak up or fight back. The abusers can also control their medications. They see that the victim dies quickly then immediately have them cremated to remove any evidence of foul play. You will see this pattern in Rob’s story.

You must realize how frequent, devastating and deadly elder abuse can be, and learn the possible reasons why it happens. There is much information out there about planning the end of life, or the end of independence, or just survival if temporarily ill or disabled. My hope is to clarify, illustrate and simplify a complex and unpopular topic. Advance planning, or just awareness, can address the fears and worries that may linger in our minds. It can also reduce the possibility, for you and your loved ones, of being trapped in an unbearable situation - or of premature death.

That is why I am telling Rob’s story. Having failed to save him I hope to save someone else – by exposing the ugly truth. If it is known, it can be avoided. It is not a pretty story and is hard to tell. That is why I set  about making my plan for how I want to live out my life. And I swore I would spend the rest of my life trying to persuade others to do the same.

✔An easy way to start a plan: The Five Wishes program, by Aging With Dignity, has a simple questionnaire about end-of-life decisions.