Rob was recovering from surgery and getting his strength back, but had occasional urinary tract infections. His daughter, Dotty, was handling his medical appointments and his medications. His infections were treated with antibiotics and hydration, but often caused confusion and disorientation.

His daughter and her husband left on a very long cruise. They went on many cruises – at least one a year when I knew them, as well as in earlier years, according to Rob. It was easy for me to help him with his recovery and I watched him for signs of infection – feeling ill, fever, and confusion – but I missed some.

TURNING POINT

One day I found him incoherent and barely conscious, burning up with fever. Another UTI, but since his daughter was away, and was not there to call the doctor, perhaps in his confusion he was waiting for her to return. He was taken by ambulance to the hospital.

Dotty’s daughters had let her know what had happened and she and her husband cut short their cruise and returned in a few days. They did not need to do this, but Dotty did not check with me. They had left on their long cruise knowing that Rob was struggling with recovery from serious surgery and was battling recurring infections. It seemed that they should have known that there was a likelihood of a crisis occurring.

He was better in just a few days and ready to be discharged. Rob thought he was going home from the hospital to recover his strength, with some part-time home care if needed. He was walking – not bed-ridden or needing a wheelchair. The chances were good that he could return to the independent life he was living just a few weeks earlier. His mind was clear, he could take care of himself; he was weak but so happy to be going home. He was feeling better and was cracking jokes. They were his last.

RED FLAG #1

Dotty did not tell me about her plans and did not include me in any conferences with hospital staff. She announced that she was taking Rob directly from the hospital to a live-in rehab facility. He objected and she claimed – wrongly – that he could not manage in his two-story home and that home care was too costly. I mentioned that I had a lot of experience with home care for both my father and my late husband and knew that it was more personal, more emotionally supportive and usually cheaper than institutional care. She ignored us both.

RED FLAG #2

He very much wanted to return to his comfortable home, and could afford any necessary home care, but he did not argue with her. I thought he was too passive and only later, and too late, saw that he feared, - with a primal, deep-down fear - that she would abandon him if he did not comply. She was his only child. I had no legal standing, and his siblings either did not know about his circumstances, or were told lies. I knew nothing about the dreadful dynamics of elder abuse by family.

Taking advantage of his temporary disability and confusion, as well as his trust and dependence on her, she ignored his wishes to go home. This in spite of the fact that she, as well as anyone who knew him, knew that home would be his unquestionable choice. As it would be for almost anyone.

RED FLAG #3

Dotty took him to a rehab facility. She stated that she had done research and had found the “very best one”. (This, as well as her many other false claims, is well documented in my diary and copies of her texts to me.) This facility was not the best, but did just happen to be close to her home and far from me and his friends and neighbors. It was also shabby, dirty and understaffed. But the worst was yet to come

DO NOT FEAR DEPENDENCY – FACE IT.

Conversations and plans about your physical, medical and financial choices are critical as you age or become ill. You need to express your wishes clearly so that you are treated fairly by the medical system and by caregivers.

This is true if you plan to stay at home, and especially if you will be in a facility such as rehab, assisted living or a nursing home where the quality of medical care may vary. Why should all your wishes, wants and hopes for your life be wiped out because you have lost some abilities?

Planning what you want if incapacitated is the same as planning for the end of life. No one likes to think about dependency or death but planning for it helps you and your loved ones. A plan makes sure you are heard and can ease the stress on your loved ones of making choices on your behalf. And helping aged parents to plan helps you.

You should pick a health care agent who can make medical and financial decisions if you can’t. Or pick two – or more - agents, separately, one for medical and another for financial matters.

• If you have long term care insurance, check what is covered.
• You must review your plan regularly – pick a date to remember at least yearly. You can change your plan at any time.
• Do it now. Life is notoriously unpredictable.
• Planning does not mean you have to be old. Just wise.

✔Aging in America,  Karol Charles/ Appendix E-My Life Plan Questionnaire and Checklist

Very comprehensive list. Use code 2019Rose