8 Signs of Elder Abuse by Family Members

Elder abuse is a deeply troubling issue that affects millions of older adults each year. All too often, the harm comes not from strangers, but from those closest to the victims. I watched this happen first-hand to a special man in my life. We had six fine years together before illness slowed him down and I watched as his daughter isolated him, lied to him, and manipulated him into institutions where he soon died. 


When perpetrators are family members, the betrayal cuts especially deep. These abuses range from subtle manipulation to overt violence, and the consequences can be devastating. Recognizing the warning signs of elder abuse by family members early is crucial for prevention, protection, and justice.


What is Elder Abuse?


“Elder abuse is a single or repeated act, or lack of appropriate action, occurring within any relationship where there is an expectation of trust. It is a violation of human rights and includes psychological and emotional abuse, abandonment and neglect – either intentional or unintentional – and serious loss of dignity and respect. It causes harm.” This dry definition is true, as far as it goes. But no words can truly convey the terror, pain, and helplessness of the victim or the distressed and hopeless state of the victims’ loved ones. 


It is estimated that 90% of elder abuse is inflicted by family. When family members become perpetrators, emotional bonds and obligations are exploited, making it harder for victims to speak out or seek help.


8 Signs of Elder Abuse by Family Members to Watch For


Below are some, but not all, warning signs of elder abuse you can look out for:

  1. Confinement or Isolation - this happened to Rob, which you can read about in Chapter 9: True Crime
  2. Unexplained Physical Injuries

  3. Sudden Emotional or Behavioral Changes

  4. Changes in Appearance or Hygiene

  5. Unusual Financial Activity

  6. Medication or Medical Control Abuse

  7. Caregiver Aggression or Indifference

  8. New “Friends” with Hidden Agendas

Why Family Member Abuse Is Especially Dangerous


When elder abuse is inflicted by family, red flags can often be dismissed as “just family drama.” While in reality, there may be manipulation, isolation, financial theft, or even forced institutionalization, as we’ve shared about in Rob’s personal story. Oftentimes, abusers leverage their trust and proximity to the elder to hide their actions, undermine the elder’s autonomy, and bury any trace of wrongdoing.


Elder abuse by family is a silent disaster hidden behind closed doors. By knowing the key warning signs—from unexplained injuries and isolation to financial exploitation and medication misuse—you can be the shield your loved one needs. Don’t dismiss suspicions; the difference between speaking up and staying silent can mean preserving dignity or preventing tragedy.


How to Prevent Family Elder Abuse: Make a Plan Now


Unfortunately, few people have the time, money and support needed to stop elder abuse of any kind, once it has begun. Very few will ever see the persecutors punished. The best plans are aimed at prevention. My ideas for saving Rob were too late because I didn’t know anything about abuse by family.


There are many kinds of plans, from ideal and detailed to better than nothing. The FIVE WISHES plan is easy, simple, and not only can help to prevent abuse to you or your loved ones but will help families and caregivers to make the decisions that you would. The Five Wishes cover:


  • The person I want to make care decisions for me
  • The kind of medical treatment I want or don’t want
  • How comfortable I want to be
  • How I want people to treat me
  • What I want my loved ones to know


You can make a plan in minutes, especially if you have given any thought to the possibility of becoming dependent. It is a good way to start, and it covers the basics. There is also a legal form to make your wishes legal and valid. (There may be a small charge.) You can get much more information about other plans, but this is a quick and easy way to start.


Most of us have a fear of being old and in need of care. We fear loss of independence, pain, being displaced, or being over-or under-treated medically. Everyone needs to know the danger of not having a plan in case of possible need for care. Rob’s story will show the way.


This is Bob from the Murder by Family Story

CHAPTER 1 - A Hard Way to Die

May 6, 2025
What if you discovered that all the plans you had made for the last years of your life – even for your funeral-were going to be completely changed without your permission. (Keep reading even if you have no plans. Especially if you have no plans.)
Rob wearing a black jacket is standing in front of a white fence.

CHAPTER 2 - Portrait of a Victim

May 6, 2025
I discovered the shock of elder abuse by family the second hardest way. I also found out about the wrong kind of planning, or rather wrong planning and bad people. I watched, unaware, as a daughter and her family planned and carried out the murder of her father. It is an extreme example, but not rare. It happened because I did not know, and could not imagine, that a crime so hideous ever existed. The evil and horror is seared into my soul.
A rainbow is visible over a body of water.

CHAPTER 3 - Friends are a Fortress

May 6, 2025
There were some signs that my friend Rob might suffer abuse by his family. When we met, he had his life in very good order. He had a few common old-age problems – some arthritis, hearing, and memory loss – but none of it slowed him down much. He watched his diet, walked at least a mile each day and was never sick with even a cold. He mentioned that he had had several major surgeries in years past and that his daughter, Dotty, had helped him.
A woman is covering her face with her hands in front of a house.

CHAPTER 4 - Had I only Known

May 6, 2025
When we met, Rob had his life in very good order. He had some common old-age problems - arthritis and some hearing loss - but none of it slowed him down much; he had a strong constitution. He watched his diet, walked at least a mile every day, and was seldom sick with even a cold. He mentioned that he had several major surgeries in past years and that Dotty, his daughter, had helped him after his wife died. He took one prescription medicine -for high cholesterol.
A black and white photo of a person standing on a beach at sunset.

CHAPTER 5 - If You are Old and Ill

May 6, 2025
After much trial and error in the treatment of Rob’s problems from long-ago radiation for prostate cancer, he underwent surgery for a permanent catheter. He handled it well, making the necessary adjustments to his routine. Over the next year, there were a few problems with urinary tract infections – UTIs - which were easily treated with antibiotics and hydration.
Rob and Jane posing for a picture in front of a lake.

CHAPTER 6 - The Beginning Of The End

May 6, 2025
Rob was recovering from surgery and getting his strength back, but had occasional urinary tract infections. His daughter, Dotty, was handling his medical appointments and his medications. His infections were treated with antibiotics and hydration, but often caused confusion and disorientation.
Rob in a wheelchair is walking down a hospital hallway.

CHAPTER 7 - With Malice Aforethought

May 6, 2025
After three days in the hospital recovering from a severe infection, Rob was taken to a rehab facility by his daughter, Dotty - against his wishes. Almost everyone, if given a choice between returning to their home or going to stay in a facility, would choose home, although some might really need to go there before returning home. Rob did not need to go to a live-in rehab facility. Rob was not given a choice. He was walking, dressing, caring for himself and clear-headed at the time of his discharge from the hospital.
A statue of a bird stands on a dock overlooking a body of water.

CHAPTER 8 - The Nightmare Begins

May 6, 2025
This was the start. I watched, helpless, as my friend Rob was forced into a rehab facility by his daughter, when he could have gone home from the hospital after recovering from an infection. Most people want to stay at home, if possible, when they need care. He especially loved his home because he had created it. His home was on the water, with wide open views of water and sky. He had transformed the original 2-story townhouse into a huge open space with vistas from both floors and striking décor.
Rob wearing a white hat is sitting in a chair.

CHAPTER 9 - True Crime

May 6, 2025
As Rob spent a month in a rehab facility, it became clear to me that Rob’s daughter, Dotty, did not want to help him. She actually wanted to harm him, but in secret. I found that elder abuse by family was not an abstract abomination; it was a real-life horror story and I was a broken-hearted witness.
A silhouette of a father and daughter standing under a tree.

CHAPTER 10 - Undue Influence

May 6, 2025
Rob was in a Rehab facility for a month. He did not need to be there and I could not understand why Dotty, his daughter, forced him to go. He did tell her that he wanted to be at home and could have managed well, but did not put up much of a fight when she ignored him.
A patio with a table and chairs surrounded by flowers.

CHAPTER 11-No Home for Rob

May 6, 2025
Daughter isolates him in a rehab facility, seizes his home and car, and forces him into assisted living against his wishes.
A person 's hand is visible behind a foggy glass.

CHAPTER 12 - Save Yourself and your Loved Ones

May 1, 2025
After spending a month in a rehab facility, Rob was in worse condition than when he entered. He did not need rehabilitation, so the confinement and isolation were a torment for him. His daughter, Dotty, was taking away his freedom to choose how he wanted to live his life. Now, she was transferring him to an assisted living facility.
Broken Heart Graphic

CHAPTER 13 - The Best Laid Plans

April 1, 2025
I hoped that when I executed my plan for exposing Rob’s daughter’s intentions to his neighborhood (where she grew up), that she would hear about it and deny my assertions. Thus she would incriminate herself. That was a foolish hope and it didn’t happen and probably caused her to be more careful – but no less deadly.

CHAPTER 14 - Room 107

March 31, 2025
Since Dotty, Rob’s daughter, had moved him to an Assisted Living facility, she no longer communicated with me in any way. (I only learned where he was from a friend of Rob’s who knew Dotty.) I visited him the next day.