CHAPTER 13 - The Best Laid Plans

I hoped that when I executed my plan for exposing Rob’s daughter’s intentions to his neighborhood (where she grew up), that she would hear about it and deny my assertions. Thus she would incriminate herself. That was a foolish hope and it didn’t happen and probably caused her to be more careful – but no less deadly.

During his stay in the rehab facility, Dotty and I often met when visiting him. Otherwise we communicated sporadically by text. The following are all the transcribed texts during that time.   She was lying to me, and telling the same lies to many of Rob’s family, friends or caregivers.

COMMUNICATION WITH DOTTY

Message from Dotty, Febuary 4, 1:31 PM

“He asked me if he would ever be able to drive again… Told me he had to talk W/a woman this morning and it was “bullshit”. I asked what they talked about and he had no idea…He told me he doesn’t think he will ever get out.

Message from Dotty, Febuary 5, 4:46 PM

“Got him to walk outside W/ his walker. He didn’t know where he lived, how old he was or what month it is…  The nurse told me he really used some colorful language last night."

Message from Jane, Febuary 5, 4:57 PM

“Got his hearing aids fixed.”

Message from Dotty, Febuary 7, 4:12 PM

“Have a planning meeting here on Monday to discuss options/plans for him. Involves all staff that have evaluated him. Hope those hearing aids work!”

Message from Jane, Febuary 7, 4:30 PM

“I don’t think much about any evaluations when he couldn’t hear. I spoke with his PT after lunch. Seems they didn’t even know he has a very bad back.

The therapist said there is no way he should be in a private room because he needs more attention. I assume the private room costs more – or maybe they didn’t have any double rooms?”

Message from Dotty, Febuary 7, 5:05 PM

“Yes, costs 2x as much…… His shoulder is really bothering him today, also.”

Message from Jane, Febuary 7, 6:09 PM

“Do they even know that?  He has a rotator cuff problem. 

Medicare pays for certain kinds of home care and as soon as he can be home, even with 24 -hour care and home PT, it’s better and cheaper than institutional care. I think it would be interesting for him to be in a double room!????”

Message from Dotty, Febuary 10, 10:10 PM

“Had a good talk with him yesterday about next steps. I talked with 3 home care agencies, the prices are unbelievable: 12,000-14,000 per month. This week I am touring several asst living facilities that may have some apt openings. He understands that he can not be alone and doesn’t want to be alone.”

Message from Dotty, Febuary 13, 7:32 PM

“am SO grateful for all of your help. I will let you know what is happening with him.”

LIES AND DECEPTIONS

Her text messages were pure fiction. She exaggerated his mental capacity and his poor physical condition. Rob was not yet completely brainwashed; he was lucid and knew bad things were happening but was unable to protest – probably because of threats and lies from Dotty. I also did not want to confront her and still looked for ways to stop her. Rob had memory problems, and bouts of confusion with his UTIs, but not dementia, which is what she was now claiming. I believe now that she wanted to cover the effects of the mental manipulation she inflicted on Rob.

Her assertion that home care would be too costly was nonsense. He would likely only need an hour a day and only for a week or two. And I would be with him – he would not be alone. I wonder what she was telling him about me?

Again, she did not include me in the staff evaluation meeting. It also appeared that she wanted everyone to believe that his hearing aids were either missing or not working. This, too, I later realized was part of her isolation scheme. What is more isolating than hearing loss?

COULD THINGS GET WORSE?

After she transferred him to an assisted living facility, she no longer communicated with me – making her last promise also false.  I sent her two more texts. She did not respond. The first message was: “The repaired hearing aids are under extended warranty.” Two days later she took him to buy new hearing aids. Why? I don’t know, but the new ones also proved to be mostly missing or broken.

A few days later, my message was:

“FYI this morning. In case he hasn’t mentioned it:

-He said his hearing aids don’t work and

-He said until further notice he does not want his house rented or sold, so he can go back at any time.”

She stopped all communication -and pretense- with me. It was open warfare and I was losing.

“HOPE IS NOT A PLAN”

My plan did not work because:

  • I knew nothing about elder abuse and family predators.
  • I had no authority.
  • Rob had a plan but it was not good.
  • It is easy to inflict harm and abuse on someone who is weak and trusting.
  • Once begun, abuse – especially by family - is almost impossible to stop, because it is hard to spot and takes too much time.
  • My plan was reactive, not proactive.
  • Prevention is the best defense and knowledge about worst cases and outcomes is necessary.

LEARN AND PLAN – DO IT NOW

Most of us have a fear of being old and in need of care. We fear loss of independence, pain, being displaced, or being over-or under -treated medically. Everyone needs to know the danger of not having a plan in case of possible need for care. Rob’s story will show the way.

✔️helpguide.org/articles/abuse/elder-abuse-and-neglect.html

elderly hands

8 Signs of Elder Abuse by Family Members

June 26, 2025
Learn top signs of elder abuse by family members, so you or a loved one are prepared. Recognizing these signs early is crucial for prevention and protection.
This is Bob from the Murder by Family Story

CHAPTER 1 - A Hard Way to Die

May 6, 2025
What if you discovered that all the plans you had made for the last years of your life – even for your funeral-were going to be completely changed without your permission. (Keep reading even if you have no plans. Especially if you have no plans.)
Rob wearing a black jacket is standing in front of a white fence.

CHAPTER 2 - Portrait of a Victim

May 6, 2025
I discovered the shock of elder abuse by family the second hardest way. I also found out about the wrong kind of planning, or rather wrong planning and bad people. I watched, unaware, as a daughter and her family planned and carried out the murder of her father. It is an extreme example, but not rare. It happened because I did not know, and could not imagine, that a crime so hideous ever existed. The evil and horror is seared into my soul.
A rainbow is visible over a body of water.

CHAPTER 3 - Friends are a Fortress

May 6, 2025
There were some signs that my friend Rob might suffer abuse by his family. When we met, he had his life in very good order. He had a few common old-age problems – some arthritis, hearing, and memory loss – but none of it slowed him down much. He watched his diet, walked at least a mile each day and was never sick with even a cold. He mentioned that he had had several major surgeries in years past and that his daughter, Dotty, had helped him.
A woman is covering her face with her hands in front of a house.

CHAPTER 4 - Had I only Known

May 6, 2025
When we met, Rob had his life in very good order. He had some common old-age problems - arthritis and some hearing loss - but none of it slowed him down much; he had a strong constitution. He watched his diet, walked at least a mile every day, and was seldom sick with even a cold. He mentioned that he had several major surgeries in past years and that Dotty, his daughter, had helped him after his wife died. He took one prescription medicine -for high cholesterol.
A black and white photo of a person standing on a beach at sunset.

CHAPTER 5 - If You are Old and Ill

May 6, 2025
After much trial and error in the treatment of Rob’s problems from long-ago radiation for prostate cancer, he underwent surgery for a permanent catheter. He handled it well, making the necessary adjustments to his routine. Over the next year, there were a few problems with urinary tract infections – UTIs - which were easily treated with antibiotics and hydration.
Rob and Jane posing for a picture in front of a lake.

CHAPTER 6 - The Beginning Of The End

May 6, 2025
Rob was recovering from surgery and getting his strength back, but had occasional urinary tract infections. His daughter, Dotty, was handling his medical appointments and his medications. His infections were treated with antibiotics and hydration, but often caused confusion and disorientation.
Rob in a wheelchair is walking down a hospital hallway.

CHAPTER 7 - With Malice Aforethought

May 6, 2025
After three days in the hospital recovering from a severe infection, Rob was taken to a rehab facility by his daughter, Dotty - against his wishes. Almost everyone, if given a choice between returning to their home or going to stay in a facility, would choose home, although some might really need to go there before returning home. Rob did not need to go to a live-in rehab facility. Rob was not given a choice. He was walking, dressing, caring for himself and clear-headed at the time of his discharge from the hospital.
A statue of a bird stands on a dock overlooking a body of water.

CHAPTER 8 - The Nightmare Begins

May 6, 2025
This was the start. I watched, helpless, as my friend Rob was forced into a rehab facility by his daughter, when he could have gone home from the hospital after recovering from an infection. Most people want to stay at home, if possible, when they need care. He especially loved his home because he had created it. His home was on the water, with wide open views of water and sky. He had transformed the original 2-story townhouse into a huge open space with vistas from both floors and striking décor.
Rob wearing a white hat is sitting in a chair.

CHAPTER 9 - True Crime

May 6, 2025
As Rob spent a month in a rehab facility, it became clear to me that Rob’s daughter, Dotty, did not want to help him. She actually wanted to harm him, but in secret. I found that elder abuse by family was not an abstract abomination; it was a real-life horror story and I was a broken-hearted witness.
A silhouette of a father and daughter standing under a tree.

CHAPTER 10 - Undue Influence

May 6, 2025
Rob was in a Rehab facility for a month. He did not need to be there and I could not understand why Dotty, his daughter, forced him to go. He did tell her that he wanted to be at home and could have managed well, but did not put up much of a fight when she ignored him.
A patio with a table and chairs surrounded by flowers.

CHAPTER 11-No Home for Rob

May 6, 2025
Daughter isolates him in a rehab facility, seizes his home and car, and forces him into assisted living against his wishes.
A person 's hand is visible behind a foggy glass.

CHAPTER 12 - Save Yourself and your Loved Ones

May 1, 2025
After spending a month in a rehab facility, Rob was in worse condition than when he entered. He did not need rehabilitation, so the confinement and isolation were a torment for him. His daughter, Dotty, was taking away his freedom to choose how he wanted to live his life. Now, she was transferring him to an assisted living facility.

CHAPTER 14 - Room 107

March 31, 2025
Since Dotty, Rob’s daughter, had moved him to an Assisted Living facility, she no longer communicated with me in any way. (I only learned where he was from a friend of Rob’s who knew Dotty.) I visited him the next day.