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What is Emotional Elder Abuse by a Family Member?

Wed, 12 Nov 2025 15:15:03 GMT

When you think of elder abuse, images of physical harm or financial exploitation might come to mind. However, there’s another form that can be just as devastating, and often less visible: emotional elder abuse by a family member. Read on as we explore what it looks like, how to identify it, and what you can do if you suspect it’s happening in your loved one’s life.

What is emotional elder abuse by a family member?

Emotional elder abuse occurs when an older adult is subjected to verbal, non-verbal or psychological mistreatment by someone in a position of trust (most often a family member or caregiver). When that trusted person is a family member, the dynamics can become especially complex: the older adult may feel loyalty, guilt, fear or confusion, making it harder to speak up or to recognize the abuse.

Here are some key elements of emotional elder abuse:

The acts inflict emotional pain, distress or anguish (rather than, or in addition to, physical harm).
It can be verbal (yelling, belittling, threatening) or non-verbal (ignoring, isolating, instilling fear).
It often occurs within a relationship where there is expectation of trust (such as family).
The older person’s dignity, autonomy or self-worth is undermined.

In short, when a family member uses their position of trust to control, demean, isolate or psychologically harm their elderly relative, that is emotional elder abuse by a family member.

Why is emotional elder abuse a serious issue?

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), about 1 in 6 people aged 60+ experienced some form of elder abuse in the past year. Among these, psychological or emotional abuse is one of the more common types.
Although emotional abuse doesn’t leave visible bruises, it can erode mental health, often leading to depression, anxiety, fear, withdrawal and even increased risk of physical harm.
When the abuser is a family member, the older adult may feel trapped by social, emotional or financial ties, making detection and intervention even harder.
Emotional abuse may accompany or precede other forms of abuse (physical, financial, neglect), so recognizing it early is crucial.

How to spot emotional elder abuse by a family member

Recognizing emotional elder abuse can be tricky because there may be no visible physical signs. But there are warning indicators to watch out for. Below are some of the most common signs.

Behavioral & emotional cues:

The older person appears withdrawn, unusually quiet or fearful around a particular family member.
They show signs of depression, anxiety, low self-esteem or sudden mood swings.
They avoid eye contact, seem reluctant to speak openly, or become passive when the family member is present.
The older adult may say things like “I’m sorry,” “I don’t want to bother anyone,” or show guilt/shame about raising concerns.

Relational & social cues:

A family member consistently isolates the older relative from friends, other family, or outside activities.
The older adult is prevented from making decisions or doing things they used to do freely. Control over social contact, finances, or daily activities may be restricted.
The relative or caregiver uses humiliation, insults, name-calling, threats, or strong-arming tactics.
The older person may change living habits (sleeping, eating), show signs of self-neglect, or avoid certain family interactions.

Environmental & context cues:

The relationship shows continuous friction, secrecy or a power imbalance, especially if the caregiver is resentful, stressed or dependent on the older adult.
The elder’s home life feels tense, hostile or overly controlled rather than comfortable and respectful.
You may observe the older adult acting out of character, such as being unusually clingy, irritable or fearful.

If you notice one or more of these indicators, and especially if you can’t explain the changes by purely medical causes, it’s worth taking a deeper look and considering help.

What to do if you suspect emotional elder abuse by a family member

Identifying emotional abuse is the first step. The next step is taking safe, decisive action.

Step 1: Talk and document

Approach your elderly loved one (when safe, when the abuser is not present) and gently ask how they’re doing and whether they feel respected and heard.
Record changes you’ve observed: emotional state, behaviors, living situation, who is present, any statements the older person makes about being upset or scared.
Keep track of incidents (dates, what happened, who was involved). This documentation can help if you need further intervention.

Step 2: Provide support & ensure safety

Reassure your elderly loved one that you’re there to help and that their feelings matter. Often emotional abuse thrives on isolation and silence .
Encourage them to maintain or regain connections with friends, other family members, community or faith groups—reducing isolation is key. We like to call these circles of safety and connection .
If possible, help arrange alternative caregiving or living arrangements. If the abusive family member is the sole caregiver, the older adult may need a safe, neutral contact or respite.

Step 3: Use professional and legal resources

Contact your local adult protective services agency or elder-abuse hotline. Many states provide free, confidential support.
If the abuse is severe or accompanied by physical harm or financial exploitation, law enforcement may need to be involved.
Consult with legal professionals experienced in elder-abuse cases—especially if you’re dealing with guardianship issues, finances or housing concerns.
For more information or support resources, consider organizations such as the National Center on Elder Abuse (NCEA) or local elder-care networks.

Step 4: Prevention and ongoing vigilance

Families and caregivers should be educated about what constitutes respectful elder care: listening, preserving autonomy, providing choices, avoiding shame, humiliation or isolation.
Regular check-ins by trusted friends, family or professionals can help keep an older adult connected and visible. Remember: abuse often hides when the elder is isolated.
Encourage elders to maintain social activities, hobbies, friendships, and as much independence as they safely can for emotional resilience.
If you or other family members are caregiving, address caregiver stress early. Overwhelmed caregivers may unintentionally cross boundaries into abusive behaviors; ensuring they have support, respite and training can help.

In conclusion, why this matters

Emotional elder abuse by a family member is about a trusted family member undermining an elder’s safety, dignity and well-being. The betrayal often runs deep, making recovery and accountability more complicated.

By shining a light on this less visible form of abuse, we empower families, caregivers and communities to see the signs , take action, and foster safe relationships where our aging loved ones are valued, respected and protected.

Elder abuse in any form is unacceptable, and emotional abuse, while less visible, can leave deep wounds that endure. If you suspect it might be happening in your family, remember: you are not alone, help is available, and speaking up can make a profound difference.

Circles of Safety: Building Friendships to Fight Loneliness and Abuse

Thu, 16 Oct 2025 18:39:06 GMT

Loneliness is not just a melancholy feeling—it can be dangerous. For many elders, especially those isolated by distance, illness, or family conflict, loneliness becomes a vulnerability. When combined with power imbalances, dwindling capacity to act, or caregivers or relatives with ill intentions, it can create the soil in which elder abuse takes root. But there is hope: grassroots initiatives, such as friendship circles, “circles of safety,” or circles of care, offer a model for protecting elders not through institutions, but through community, connection, and vigilance. Let’s explore more.

Why Relationships Matter

Loneliness among older adults has been shown to increase risk of depression, cognitive decline, and worse overall health. Isolation also limits an elder’s ability to notice, resist, or escape abuse, whether it be emotional, financial, physical, or neglect. Family elder abuse, in particular, often thrives in secrecy. Meaning, no one’s watching, the elder may feel ashamed, and the abuser may isolate them further.

Connecting with others around you, such as trusted friends, neighbors, and fellow elders, provides not only emotional nourishment, but also “extra eyes” (people who can recognize when something’s wrong, who can ask questions, raise alarm, or even intervene on your behalf).

Circles of Friendship: A Case Example

As we continue to share Rob’s story, we’re also helping to spread awareness of and prevent elder abuse. One of which is by sharing how we’ve also created friendship “circles” in town as part of our healing & prevention work. These circles do more than stave off loneliness: they act as living safety nets. The idea is simple but profound: a small group (friends, neighbors, community members) commit to regular check-ins with elders—visits, phone calls, helping out, staying aware of changes.

These circles of friendship are designed to:

Foster social connection so elders feel known, less invisible.
Share information: noticing changes in mood, living conditions, finances, health.
Provide support when capacity dips—help with errands, companionship, even advocacy.
Enable earlier intervention: kind inquiries (“How are you really doing?”), referrals to services, or contacting professionals when abuse or neglect may be happening.

Other Grassroots & Community Models of Circles of Safety & Care

Here are several existing approaches that align with or reinforce the ‘circle’ concept:

Circle of Care initiatives (such as those promoted by AGE+ ) where 3-5 people team up to support older neighbors or family members with check-ins, errands, and social contact.
Family Care Conferences (FCC) in Native American/Tribal communities : structured, facilitated gatherings of family and community to care for and protect elders, plan for their needs, and address abuse or neglect proactively.
Restorative justice circles applied in elder abuse cases—teams of professionals (nurses, law enforcement, social service providers) and community volunteers meeting with elders and/or families to discuss harms, build safety plans, and re-establish accountability.

How Circles of Safety Prevent Family Elder Abuse

Let’s unpack more specifically how circles of friendship or safety can prevent abuse by family members:

Risk Factor 1: Isolation / Secrecy

How Circles Help Mitigate It: Regular, trusted social contact reduces the chance that abuse remains hidden.

Risk Factor 2: Lack of oversight

How Circles Help Mitigate It: Multiple people who care are more likely to spot red flags—financial irregularities, changes in physical condition, emotional withdrawal.

Risk Factor 3: Elder’s silence (due to fear, shame, dependence)

How Circles Help Mitigate It: A circle offers more safe spaces to speak out; friends can encourage speaking with professionals.

Risk Factor 4: Caregiver burnout / exploitation

How Circles Help Mitigate It: Circles may provide relief (respite help, shared caregiving) or support to caregivers so stress doesn’t turn into neglect or abuse.

Risk Factor 5: No safety plan / lack of resources

How Circles Help Mitigate It: Circles can help elders access community resources, legal help, health care; help build or advocate for protective plans (power of attorney, etc.).

How to Start Your Own Circle of Friendship

If you read this and want to build one in your community, here are some practical steps:

Gather People You Trust
This might be neighbors, fellow seniors, local church or club members, friends, or even caregivers. A small group (3-5) is manageable to start.
Define Purpose & Commitments
Decide what the circle is for: social support? safety checks? helping with errands? Also define frequency of contact: weekly, biweekly phone calls or visits.
Build Awareness of Signs of Abuse
Make sure everyone in the circle knows what to watch for—changes in mood, hygiene, unexplained injuries, drops in financial assets, isolation, behavior of family members.
Create Channels for Communication & Action
If someone in the circle suspects abuse, what is the plan? Who to call? Which local services are available? Having that mapped out reduces delay.
Respect Agency & Privacy
Elders need to feel in control. The circle’s role is supportive, not controlling. Respect their decisions where possible, even while offering help.
Stay Stable and Sustained
Circles depend on consistency. If people drop off, communication lags, or roles aren’t clear, the circle weakens. Build mutual accountability among circle members.

Main Barriers and Challenges (and How to Overcome Them)

Trust : Elders or their families may distrust outsiders or community members. Starting small, being consistent, and being respectful helps build trust.
Time and Resources : People may feel they lack time or skills. But even small efforts (a phone call, one errand) can make a difference. The people in your circles can share tasks.
Boundaries & Risk : What if family members push back? What if signs of legal abuse or criminal behavior are uncovered? Circles should have connections with professionals (legal, medical, APS, etc.) and know when to escalate.
Cultural / Social Norms : In some cultures or family systems, talking about abuse is taboo; elders may expect family members to protect them, no matter what. Circles should be culturally sensitive—ideally include insiders or people who understand the elder’s background.

A Vision: Preventing Loneliness, Isolation and Abuse Before It’s Too Late

Imagine a community where every elder has, say, three people they can reliably call: one for errands, one for emotional check-ins, one who watches out. Where neighbors, friends, faith communities view elder abuse not as someone else’s problem but a shared responsibility. Where the phrase “I feared speaking up” is rare. Where the first signs of danger are met not with fear or silence but with care, questions, and action.

These friendship or safety circles could reduce the tragedy that many have borne witness to. They won’t eliminate elder abuse entirely, as some abusers are skilled manipulators and some systems are broken, but they can make a huge difference.

Because abuse thrives in darkness; circles of safety bring light, connection, and accountability.

How You Can Take Action

Join or start a circle in your community.
Reach out to elders you know—don’t wait until there is a crisis.
Support or volunteer with elder abuse prevention organizations.
Spread awareness: share stories, signs, and resources.
Advocate for local, state, or national policies that fund programs mapping onto circles or community safety nets.

Elder abuse doesn’t have to be inevitable. When we build friendships, carve out small accountable spaces, and weave those into larger systems of support, we create circles of safety that protect those who are most vulnerable. And in doing so, not only do we save lives—we offer dignity, connection, and love.

How to Prevent Elder Abuse When You're Alone or Isolated

Mon, 15 Sep 2025 19:47:16 GMT

Loneliness is one of the most difficult challenges many older adults face, and it is also one of the biggest risk factors for elder abuse. The causes of isolation vary: the loss of a spouse, disabilities that make leaving the home difficult, family members who live far away or don’t stay involved, economic struggles, or the gradual disappearance of lifelong friends and social networks.

For some, being alone feels comfortable and self-sufficient. However, it’s important to understand that isolation can also create vulnerability. Family elder abuse in particular often happens behind closed doors, where no one is watching. Abusers target isolated victims because they know there are fewer people to notice or intervene. Sadly, family members are often the ones responsible, using secrecy and lies to cover their actions. In extreme cases, older adults may even “disappear,” leaving neighbors and friends wondering what happened.

Why Isolation Is Dangerous

Isolation is more than just a social challenge—it’s a red flag for serious risks. Elder isolation is often the first sign of problems like abuse, depression, dementia, illness, or even suicide. Without regular social contact or outside support, it becomes much easier for abuse—especially elder abuse by family members—to go undetected.

The truth is that elder abuse prevention starts with staying connected. If you live alone or have minimal outside contact, building safeguards and relationships is one of the most effective ways to protect yourself.

Steps You Can Take to Prevent Elder Abuse and Stay Connected

Even if you prefer independence, hate asking for help, or struggle with mobility, there are practical ways to reduce your vulnerability and stay safe if you’re alone or isolated:

Be prepared for emergencies. Post emergency contacts on your refrigerator where first responders will look. Include your doctor’s number, medication list, allergies, and any health directive documents.
Check for the USPS Carrier Alert Program. This free service allows mail carriers to watch out for elderly residents who may need help. Ask your local post office or visit the National Association of Letter Carriers ( www.nalc.org ).
Look into daily check-in services. Search for a “telephone reassurance program” in your area. These provide a daily phone call to confirm your well-being.
Meals on Wheels. Beyond delivering food, Meals on Wheels staff serve as a valuable point of contact for socially isolated seniors.
Use local senior resources. Senior centers, retirement communities, and assisted living facilities often provide in-home care, support services, and social opportunities for older adults who live alone.
Explore Medicaid options. Visit www.medicaid.gov for home and community-based services designed to support safe independent living.
Hire professional caregivers. Agencies like www.homehealthcareagencies.com can connect you with trusted in-home care professionals.
Install a medical alert system. Search “medical alert devices” to find one that offers 24/7 emergency access at the push of a button.
Consider Home Care Medicine. The American Academy of Home Care Medicine ( www.aahcm.org ) helps connect patients with doctors who make home visits.
Use smart technology. Devices like Alexa or Google Home can be programmed to call for help or connect you with others quickly.
Rely on volunteers. Religious congregations, neighborhood groups, and national organizations often offer volunteer services for seniors. Try your city’s website, Volunteers of America ( www.voa.org ), or Senior Care ( www.seniorcare.com/featured/volunteer-to-help-the-elderly ).

Stay Connected & Take Action Now

Isolation is one of the clearest danger signs for abuse like family elder abuse. When older adults live alone without strong connections, it becomes much easier for abusers to hide their actions. However, with the right support systems, resources, and community connections, you can reduce your risk and take meaningful steps toward safety.

If you or someone you love is aging alone, take action now. Staying connected is the most powerful form of elder abuse prevention—and it also protects your dignity, independence, and peace of mind.

How to Prevent Elder Abuse by a Family Member

Mon, 11 Aug 2025 18:02:54 GMT

Elder abuse is a growing concern, and in many heartbreaking cases, the abuse comes from someone the older adult knows and trusts: a family member. Whether it’s emotional manipulation, financial control, or even physical harm, elder abuse by family can leave lasting trauma and severely impact your well-being.

Preventing elder abuse starts with awareness, honest planning, and building protective systems before something goes wrong. Here’s what you need to know to recognize and prevent elder abuse by a family member.

What is Elder Abuse by a Family Member?

Elder abuse by a family member occurs when a relative — such as a child, spouse, grandchild, or sibling — causes harm or distress to an older adult. This abuse can take many forms, such as emotional, financial, verbal, physical, and others. It is also often difficult to detect because, after all, it’s your family member who you are supposed to be able to trust. It can stem from personal conflicts, financial motivations, substance abuse, or caregiver stress, but no matter the cause, it is never acceptable but can be prevented with the right resources and knowledge ahead of time.

In many cases, the victim depends on the abuser for care, which can make it harder for them to speak up or seek help. That’s why recognizing the signs and taking preventive action is so important — both for yourself and the older adults in your life.

9 Ways to Prevent Elder Abuse by a Family Member

Preventing elder abuse isn’t about responding to red flags—it’s about preparing before any issues arise. Whether you’re an older adult, a caregiver, or a concerned loved one, these practical steps can help reduce risk and protect those who are vulnerable.

1. Start a plan

Begin by outlining your wishes for care in the future. A helpful resource is the Five Wishes program, which walks you through end-of-life decisions in a clear, easy-to-understand format. Planning now reduces confusion and protects you later if you become incapacitated.

2. Be aware of changes and conflicts in family

Pay attention to shifts in behavior, tensions, or stress in family members you’re relying on. Someone acting differently, withdrawing, or showing signs of resentment may be struggling or might not be the right person to depend on for care.

3. Stay socially active

Isolation can make older adults more vulnerable to abuse. Maintain strong ties with friends, family, neighbors, or local community groups. Regular interaction can help others notice when something seems off—and offer support when needed.

4. Choose a reliable healthcare and financial agent

Designate someone you trust to make medical or financial decisions if you become unable. In fact, consider appointing two agents—one for healthcare and another for finances. Review your choices yearly and clearly document everything.

5. Don’t assume your health representative will always be available

Plans can change. The person you choose may not be ready or able when the time comes. Regularly revisit your healthcare and legal plans (at least once a year or more), and make sure others know where to find them. The Planning My Way site is a great starting point.

6. Create a complete elder care plan

Take a proactive approach with tools like The Complete Eldercare Planner by Joy Loverde. You can find the guide here . It helps organize everything from medical needs to legal documents.

7. Learn about the risks and causes of elder abuse

Understanding how and why abuse occurs helps you spot early warning signs. Look into caregiver stress, financial pressures, and substance abuse—all of which can increase the risk of mistreatment.

8. Educate older adults

Older adults may not recognize what counts as abuse or may be hesitant to speak up. Encourage open conversations about boundaries, safety, and personal rights.

9. Prepare legal and financial safeguards

Avoid joint bank accounts and instead assign power of attorney only to someone fully trusted. Make sure legal documents are in order and reviewed annually by a legal or financial professional.

Prevention Is Possible

Elder abuse by a family member is a difficult topic—but ignoring it can lead to lasting damage. The good news is, prevention is possible. By planning ahead, staying connected, and putting legal and medical protections in place, you can help shield yourself or a loved one from the risk of abuse.

Whether you're preparing for your own future or helping an older adult in your life, use the resources above to take the first step. Family elder abuse prevention starts with a conversation—and a thorough plan.

6 Types of Elder Abuse to Watch for in Families

Mon, 14 Jul 2025 20:58:16 GMT

Elder abuse by family members is a tragic but, unfortunately, common reality. While many assume abuse must be physical to be harmful, it can manifest in multiple ways—some subtle, others overt. From emotional manipulation to financial exploitation, elder abuse takes many forms, and each is capable of causing lasting harm. And when it comes from a family member, the betrayal is compounded by broken trust. Understanding the different types of elder abuse is the first step toward prevention and protection.

6 Types of Elder Abuse to Watch Out For:

When abuse happens within families, it often slips under the radar, especially when you think you can trust that family member. This is what happened with Rob, and you can read more about his story here to see how .

These 6 forms of abuse are especially important to be aware of, and we would recommend having your own plan in place to prevent elder abuse from happening to you or those you love:

1. Physical Abuse

This includes any type of physical abuse that results in pain, injury, or impairment. In families, this may come from overwhelmed or aggressive caregivers who justify violence as "discipline" or "correction."

2. Emotional or Psychological Abuse

Verbal attacks, humiliation, intimidation, and isolation are common ways family members exert control. This type of abuse can erode self-worth and mental health, leaving victims depressed or withdrawn. It often goes unnoticed because there are no physical signs.

3. Neglect

Neglect is the failure to provide basic necessities like food, hygiene, medication, or safety. It may be passive (due to ignorance or lack of resources) or active (intentional deprivation). In families, neglect is often disguised as “doing the best we can” while real care is withheld.

4. Financial Exploitation

Family members may misuse an elder's money, pressure them to change legal documents, or manipulate them into giving up control over bank accounts. This form of abuse is especially insidious and can leave victims destitute.

5. Sexual Abuse

Though rarely talked about, sexual abuse of older adults—especially those with cognitive decline—can occur even within families.

6. Abandonment

Abandonment is when a caregiver or family member deserts an elder who needs help, often leaving them in unsafe conditions or alone without care.

How to Take Action Now to Prevent Elder Abuse

If you or someone you know is experiencing elder abuse, there are resources available to offer protection, advocacy, and justice. However, we recommend making a plan now, before the abuse happens, to protect yourself or a loved one. Here are some of the resources we recommend looking into now, in order to help prevent family elder abuse:

The Five Wishes program has a simple questionnaire about end-of-life decisions. This is an easy way to start your plan today.
The Conversation Project is helping people share their wishes for care through the end of life. Find out more info from them, and be sure to write down your wishes and make sure your family, friends, health care provider, etc. have copies of them.
Download and customize your own Complete Eldercare Program , developed by Joy Loverde.
Use Planning My Way to get your free guide to future healthcare decisions.

Finally, stay aware of possible changes and conflicts in any family members you are counting on, and keep in constant touch with friends and family. No one wants to think about the potential of elder abuse, and you may even think it could never happen to you or a loved one. We hope it never does, but the best way to be prepared is to start a plan now , before it's too late. Face dependency head on–do not fear it.

Elder abuse by family members doesn’t always leave visible bruises, but its effects are just as real. Whether it’s financial control, emotional manipulation, or physical harm, each type of abuse can threaten an elder’s dignity, autonomy, and well-being. Recognizing any of these major types of elder abuse is the first step in fighting back. If you or someone you love is at risk of elder abuse, don’t wait to get help. Afterall, speaking up can save their life.

8 Signs of Elder Abuse by Family Members

Thu, 26 Jun 2025 18:49:49 GMT

Elder abuse is a deeply troubling issue that affects millions of older adults each year. All too often, the harm comes not from strangers, but from those closest to the victims. I watched this happen first-hand to a special man in my life. We had six fine years together before illness slowed him down and I watched as his daughter isolated him, lied to him, and manipulated him into institutions where he soon died.

When perpetrators are family members, the betrayal cuts especially deep. These abuses range from subtle manipulation to overt violence, and the consequences can be devastating. Recognizing the warning signs of elder abuse by family members early is crucial for prevention, protection, and justice.

What is Elder Abuse?

“Elder abuse is a single or repeated act, or lack of appropriate action, occurring within any relationship where there is an expectation of trust. It is a violation of human rights and includes psychological and emotional abuse, abandonment and neglect – either intentional or unintentional – and serious loss of dignity and respect. It causes harm.” This dry definition is true, as far as it goes. But no words can truly convey the terror, pain, and helplessness of the victim or the distressed and hopeless state of the victims’ loved ones.

It is estimated that 90% of elder abuse is inflicted by family. When family members become perpetrators, emotional bonds and obligations are exploited, making it harder for victims to speak out or seek help .

8 Signs of Elder Abuse by Family Members to Watch For

Below are some, but not all, warning signs of elder abuse you can look out for:

Confinement or Isolation - this happened to Rob, which you can read about in Chapter 9: True Crime
Unexplained Physical Injuries
Sudden Emotional or Behavioral Changes
Changes in Appearance or Hygiene
Unusual Financial Activity
Medication or Medical Control Abuse
Caregiver Aggression or Indifference
New “Friends” with Hidden Agendas

Why Family Member Abuse Is Especially Dangerous

When elder abuse is inflicted by family, red flags can often be dismissed as “just family drama.” While in reality, there may be manipulation, isolation, financial theft, or even forced institutionalization, as we’ve shared about in Rob’s personal story . Oftentimes, abusers leverage their trust and proximity to the elder to hide their actions, undermine the elder’s autonomy, and bury any trace of wrongdoing.

Elder abuse by family is a silent disaster hidden behind closed doors. By knowing the key warning signs—from unexplained injuries and isolation to financial exploitation and medication misuse—you can be the shield your loved one needs. Don’t dismiss suspicions; the difference between speaking up and staying silent can mean preserving dignity or preventing tragedy.

How to Prevent Family Elder Abuse: Make a Plan Now

Unfortunately, few people have the time, money and support needed to stop elder abuse of any kind, once it has begun. Very few will ever see the persecutors punished. The best plans are aimed at prevention. My ideas for saving Rob were too late because I didn’t know anything about abuse by family.

There are many kinds of plans, from ideal and detailed to better than nothing. The FIVE WISHES plan is easy, simple, and not only can help to prevent abuse to you or your loved ones but will help families and caregivers to make the decisions that you would. The Five Wishes cover:

The person I want to make care decisions for me
The kind of medical treatment I want or don’t want
How comfortable I want to be
How I want people to treat me
What I want my loved ones to know

You can make a plan in minutes, especially if you have given any thought to the possibility of becoming dependent. It is a good way to start, and it covers the basics. There is also a legal form to make your wishes legal and valid. (There may be a small charge.) You can get much more information about other plans, but this is a quick and easy way to start.

Most of us have a fear of being old and in need of care. We fear loss of independence, pain, being displaced, or being over-or under-treated medically. Everyone needs to know the danger of not having a plan in case of possible need for care. Rob’s story will show the way.

CHAPTER 1 - A Hard Way to Die

Tue, 06 May 2025 17:33:49 GMT

What if you discovered that all the plans you had made for the last years of your life – even for your funeral – were going to be completely changed without your permission. (Keep reading even if you have no plans. Especially if you have no plans.)

What if you found out that the people who you believed would take care of you in your dependent old age would instead be taking away everything you owned and controlled? What if you learned that you would be involuntarily taken from your home, placed in a facility and heavily medicated – despite all your wishes? What if you were told you would never see your home again, never see your friends and loved ones again? And there was nothing you or anyone else could do to stop it all? Such a thing might not happen to you but it could – and does – happen, even to smart, nice, contented people. Believe it or not - it is estimated that 90% of elder abuse is inflicted by family.

WHO

Most of us, if we live long enough, will become unable to take care of ourselves in some way, short or long term. When we are dependent, we become easy targets for abuse. There are many kinds – physical, mental, financial and material, sexual, psychological, abandonment, neglect, and serious loss of dignity and respect. And there are many sources – government, health and care facilities, caregivers, attorneys, physicians, police, and family members. Your children, your spouse or your siblings,could be hidden enemies. Helplessness, illness, pain, and death are all situations which we might face, at any age, and that we fear. We simply do not want to think about any of it. It’s no fun.

I was one of those. Until I experienced, in prolonged, horrified disbelief, the deadly abuse of my companion, Rob, by his daughter. Because I could not believe that such deliberate savagery could exist, it took too long for me to get help. Time ran out. He was a proud, independent man. He died after being temporarily ill and confused and was put into an institution by his daughter, who knew just how to get rid of him and did so in four months.

WHAT

I am not selling anything. Just the hope that people will realize the risk of dire consequences if they are without a good plan. A plan can be simple or all-inclusive, but there is real danger in not having a plan or having the wrong plan. Elder abuse, especially by family, is the most vicious kind of abuse – easily hidden, hard to fight and almost impossible to stop.

No one is comfortable with accusing and trying to stop family members who are committing this crime. (It is legally a crime in 32 states. It is also often a crime if not reported.) Neighbors, other caring family members, police, attorneys, physicians, are all loath to intervene. I found government agencies to be understaffed and/or incompetent. I also saw that the work of agencies such as Adult Protection Services, (which is always given as a solution), as well as other ombudsman-type of visitations, often had adverse results and actually increased or enabled the abuse).

This is true, especially when a facility and/or its employees are complicit in the abuse. I was accosted by a Sheriff's Deputy when visiting my companion who was in an assisted living facility, and I was banned from entering the facility for a year. Just for presenting a signed HIPAA document giving me access to his medical records.

WHY

Knowing what can happen and finding ways to prevent all elder abuse are vitally important. There is a common pattern noted in reports of abuse of elders. The abusers isolate their victims, medicate and/or mentally manipulate them so that they can’t or won’t speak up or fight back. The abusers can also control their medications. They see that the victim dies quickly then immediately have them cremated to remove any evidence of foul play. You will see this pattern in Rob’s story.

You must realize how frequent, devastating and deadly elder abuse can be, and learn the possible reasons why it happens. There is much information out there about planning the end of life, or the end of independence, or just survival if temporarily ill or disabled. My hope is to clarify, illustrate and simplify a complex and unpopular topic. Advance planning, or just awareness, can address the fears and worries that may linger in our minds. It can also reduce the possibility, for you and your loved ones, of being trapped in an unbearable situation -- or of premature death.

That is why I am telling Rob’s story. Having failed to save him I hope to save someone else – by exposing the ugly truth. If it is known, it can be avoided. It is not a pretty story and is hard to tell. That is why I set about making my plan for how I want to live out my life. And I swore I would spend the rest of my life trying to persuade others to do the same.

✔An easy way to start a plan: The Five Wishes program, by Aging With Dignity, has a simple questionnaire about end-of-life decisions. agingwithdignity.org

CHAPTER 2 - Portrait of a Victim

Tue, 06 May 2025 17:33:47 GMT

I discovered the shock of elder abuse by family the second hardest way. I also found out about the wrong kind of planning, or rather wrong planning and bad people. I watched, unaware, as a daughter and her family planned and carried out the murder of her father. It is an extreme example, but not rare. It happened because I did not know, and could not imagine, that a crime so hideous ever existed. The evil and horror is seared into my soul.

SECOND LOVE

Having been widowed for ten years, I was actively trying -- joining civic organizations, taking classes -- but failing, to find someone special. I did something way out of my comfort zone and joined an on-line “dating” group. It was quite an experience; good for many laughs. (First of all, I had to find one that would take ages as high as 76.) But I found a wonderful man and was with him for six years. We enjoyed the same things and experienced the special pleasures of old-age love and companionship.

Rob was fine when we met; I was 76; he was 80. The attraction was immediate and mutual. Long retired from his work in sales, he had been enjoying his friends, his gardens, and his boat. He loved his town and had lived there for decades. He was good-natured but stubborn, and confident but not overbearing. He was also kind, honest, smart and fun. He had a big deep voice; his wonderful grin was what attracted me to his picture on the dating site.

A wicked sense of humor and pragmatic outlook on life made him good company. He never took himself too seriously. His creative talent showed in the way he re-designed and furnished his home, as well as in the videos and print ads he produced for my real estate business. When he was in the US Air Force, his drawings were used in newsletters and communications. He wrote extensively throughout his sales career and for his neighborhood association.

HOW IT BEGAN

At the time we met, he had been a widower for ten years and needed no help in managing his home and life. He was very disciplined and organized and still wrestled heavy bags of mulch, shoveled snow and climbed ladders. He was an animal lover – the dogs he rescued and his 17-year-old cat adored him. He was an avid walker and the birds and squirrels in the nearby park were glad to see him every day with his treats of peanuts and seed. He loved his waterfront home and hated to leave it for long – even one night.

When we met for the first time, for coffee, he offered to show me his home. Despite all the warnings I had heard about online predators, I agreed. It was fine; his house was very attractive. He was simply proud of the home he had created – not boastful – and, except for his considerable charm, not a threat. Rob’s town was charming and I bought a home a few doors away from his.

He was thrifty but generous. He helped a sibling when money was needed. His many donations produced a constant shower of notepads, trinkets and stickers. He worked hard to help me settle into the home I bought in his charming town – hanging blinds, arranging furniture, and creating new gardens. He bought elegant decorative items and over the years gave me many treasures from his own collections.

The chance to experience new love and companionship in old age is priceless. We enjoyed our time together sharing a simple life of everyday tasks, walking, gardening, and visiting nearby scenic and historic spots. We were very compatible, but did not consider marriage. This would prove to be a huge mistake.

HIDDEN HATRED?

Rob’s daughter Dotty, his only child, lived with her husband, Doug, nearly an hour away.

Their children were grown. Two daughters lived closer to Rob. Rob talked about his family and about his daughter’s holiday dinners at their home on many acres. Dotty and her husband had a very active social life and also traveled a lot – mostly cruises -- often lengthy and at least one every year.

While I knew him, his daughter occasionally called him, stopped in to see him if she was in the neighborhood and met him for lunch if she was in town. He met very rarely with some of his five siblings for lunch and kept in touch by phone, but they were not a very close family.

YOU HOPE IT NEVER HAPPENS,

As elder people get more frail – physically, mentally, or financially – they need more and more care and attention. They may not see or hear as well and they become less able to withstand any neglect or mistreatment from unscrupulous family members who are caregivers. Sadly, the abusers are most often adult children. Other family members, spouses or partners are also frequent abusers.

Taking care of an elderly, infirm family member is often satisfying and enriching. It can also become burdensome and stressful. This depends on the condition and temperament of the ailing elder – and also of the caregiver. Many are glad to give back some of the lifelong service and sacrifices they have received. Some are not willing to help and are hateful and resentful. These attitudes are obvious. The unseen and often unknown problem is that the circumstances of the willing helper can change over time.

Changes in the circumstances of the caregiver may be due to mental illness, alcohol or drug abuse, or a hidden or pathological personality trait. The formerly trusted caregiver may have joined with a new spouse or partner who does not want to be involved in the care of an elder family member.
There may be issues from long-ago family history that caused hidden and lasting bitter resentments.
The caregiver may have a financial need and/or is greedy.

- If the demands of caretaking escalate, as often happens with the elderly, caretakers may experience increased stress. Caring people will not take it out on the impaired elder; abusers will use any excuse.

SAVE YOURSELF

To avoid being vulnerable to abuse you must do two main things:

First, you must be aware of possible changes and conflicts in any family members you are counting on.

Second, you must keep in constant touch with friends and family.

Do not assume that the person you choose as your Health Representative will always be ready and willing when you need them. Review your health plans at least once a year.

Rob’s vulnerability to abuse by his daughter and her family was, in part, due to his trusting nature and his belief that his daughter would always be there for him if he needed her. She was there, but not to help.

✔ELDER ABUSE: WHEN A FAMILY MEMBER CAUSES HARM

CHAPTER 3 - Friends are a Fortress

Tue, 06 May 2025 17:33:45 GMT

There were some signs that my friend Rob might suffer abuse by his family. When we met, he had his life in very good order. He had a few common old-age problems – some arthritis, hearing, and memory loss – but none of it slowed him down much. He watched his diet, walked at least a mile each day and was never sick with even a cold. He mentioned that he had had several major surgeries in years past and that his daughter, Dotty, had helped him.

FAMILY – FRIEND OR FOE?

Rob kept in touch with Dotty, but it was a long time before I met her or any other family member. She stopped to see him one day when she was in the neighborhood. She was friendly and easy to talk to; I saw no hint of bad feelings or dislike for Rob on her part.

Rob was financially secure. He shared his banking and investment information with me. He owed nothing, and drove an old but well-maintained Toyota. He had added Dotty to the deed on his house and had given her his power of attorney. When I asked about a Health Directive and a will, to see if any updating was needed, he said that Dotty had all his papers and he would get them. I never saw them.

He had no other written wishes that I knew of. He told me that he wanted to donate his body to “science”. At some time after I met him, he added Dotty to his checking account. As for his savings and investments, she was his only child, so I assumed she would be the beneficiary. He trusted Dotty and had set things up to make it easy for her to get everything when he died. He had no idea that she was in a hurry and that he was signing his own death warrant.

HANGING UP THE GRAB-IT

He loved his community and worked with the neighborhood association for many years, participating in events, attending meetings and writing a newsletter. He was militant about keeping his home and yard looking good, and his near-obsession with trash caused him to be a bit critical of anyone or any place which wasn’t pristine enough to suit him. He did, however, practice what he preached. On his daily walks, he gave peanuts to the squirrels from one bag and collected trash from the trails in another. Previously, for a ten-year stretch, he regularly walked the town, collecting trash. There is, to this day, a scheduled rotation of volunteers who are doing the “trash walk” – twelve years after Rob “retired” from the chore. In November of 2012, he wrote the following to his neighborhood association:

Well it’s over. I’m hanging up the “grab-it”. It’s only right that I allow others to have some fun. 10 1/2 years ago I decided I needed some exercise and that I should start walking. I started from my house to the main road and back. I was only able to do this for a few days when I was bothered by all the trash roadside. I thought I should make myself useful while walking and pick up the trash. So I did.

So 10 ½ years later I only think it’s right that others have a turn. I picked this week for a reason…because this week I will celebrate my 80th birthday. Oh I still walk. I moved over to the park where I walk and feed the squirrels.

Anyway, I hear a chorus of “pick me…pick me” for my replacement, but it wouldn’t be fair to single out one winner. So out of all the people in this community, there are some who will want to get involved. All you’ll need is a grab-it from Home Depot and some 13-pound trash bags and you’re in business. Good luck and God bless.

Note: When Rob died, some residents suggested that the name of the road where he worked should be changed to his name.

PORTENTS

When the neighborhood association got skittish about enforcing the covenants concerning property maintenance, he was critical, but still attended some meetings and events. He had lived there for decades and was on good terms with many neighbors. He greatly admired the younger family across the street, whose property always looked attractive.

Aside from some sporadic community involvement and regular errands, he did not belong to any organization, church or social group. Many of his friends and business associates had moved away or died, and since his wife’s death he had little connection with the one couple they had been closest to. Even after a lifetime of working, having many friends, social contacts, and a rather large family, (five siblings, all living fairly close) the only family member he saw regularly, was his daughter, Dotty. Rob seemed to have a good relationship with his daughter. She and her husband were very active socially; they loved to travel and to go on cruises. When not traveling or cruising, she called or stopped in occasionally, and sometimes met him for lunch. She invited him to join her family for holiday dinners, and also included me, after we met. She always sent him home with lots of leftovers. (I did not know if she and her family had offered to do any other things for him; maybe they did and he declined the offers.)

BEING ALONE

One of the danger signs of impending abuse, as well as for depression, illness, dementia and suicide, is isolation from social contacts and services. About a third of people 75 or older live alone; almost half of women over 75 live alone. There are many causes of being alone; loss of a spouse, having some disabilities that make it difficult to get out, no family nearby or caring, economic instability, loss of friends and social structures you have had in the past.

You may be very self-reliant and you feel comfortable being alone. But many times, being alone creates vulnerability. Like a lion pouncing on a stray lamb, abusers can cause harm and no one notices, especially if the family is the source of the torture. They act in secret and tell lies; if abusive actions are detected, police and court action could result. Old people can disappear.

There are many ways that abusers choose isolated victims. Rob’s next-door neighbor contacted me several months after his death and asked me if he had died. Think about it – can you recall any neighbor, relative or friend who might have “disappeared”? Ever wonder how or where?

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

If you hate to ask for help, you have difficulty getting around or you are not interested in meeting new people, or to help someone else:

- Be prepared for an emergency. Post emergency contact information on your refrigerator – it is a place where first responders typically check. Add your doctor’s information, your medications, serious allergies, and any health directive documents, including information about your health agent.

- See if there is a USPS Carrier Alert Program in your area. This free service helps letter carriers keep an eye out for elderly persons who may need assistance. Ask your local post office or the National Association of Letter Carriers ( www.nalc.org )

- Find a service that checks in on you daily. Search “telephone reassurance program”.

- Meals on Wheels, if available, is an important contact.

- Local senior centers, retirement communities and assisted living communities might have in-home care and medical support services and other resources for those who are aging alone at home.

- Medicaid. www.medicaid.gov – Home and community-based services

- Hire professional care-givers- www.homehealthcareagencies.com

- Medical alert systems. Search “medical alert”

- Home Care Medicine. www.aahcm.org

- An Alexa-type device may have a way to get help.

- Volunteers. Many religious congregations, clubs, and associations may have help that you need. Type “volunteer” into the website for your neighborhood or city. Also, your local Area Agency on Aging, Volunteers of America ( www.voa.org ), Senior Care ( www.seniorcare.com/featured/volunteer-to-help-the-elderly )

CHAPTER 4 - Had I only Known

Tue, 06 May 2025 17:33:42 GMT

When we met, Rob had his life in very good order. He had some common old-age problems - arthritis and some hearing loss - but none of it slowed him down much; he had a strong constitution. He watched his diet, walked at least a mile every day, and was seldom sick with even a cold. He mentioned that he had several major surgeries in past years and that Dotty, his daughter, had helped him after his wife died. He took one prescription medicine -for high cholesterol.

I was his friend and close companion for five years and saw him every day. He disliked and distrusted doctors. I did not know why, but he did mention a past colon surgery that was badly botched. I went with him to all his appointments and knew his results and prognosis. Since he didn't like to see doctors, he did not go regularly.

WARNING SIGNS

When some serious problems came up, he went to a urologist, who proved to be totally ineffective and always hard to reach. He sent Rob to a well-known lab for tests, where he spent three excruciating hours as they tried to insert a catheter. When he went to a new urologist, we found that his problems arose from scar tissue from long-ago radiation treatment for prostate cancer. (This explained the difficulty - but not the astonishing brutality - of the torture he underwent at the testing facility).

I helped him find a new family doctor and he had a complete physical, including a check-up by a cardiologist where he passed a stress test and a cardiac catheterization. He underwent more tests and two minor surgeries. His treatments were not successful. He then faced a major health decision. Rob had not wanted to tell his daughter, Dotty, about his his health issues because, he said, he did not want to bother her.

MY FIRST MISTAKE

First, know the basic risk factors of abuse and neglect — for elders or anyone who is vulnerable:
Having poor physical or mental health
Family disharmony
Being isolated physically, socially or culturally
Being unaware of potential harm from people you trust. They may have a changed lifestyle, have developed mental disorders, alcohol or drug abuse, or financial needs (or overwhelming greed).
Having inadequate legal and financial protection
An important factor which is not often mentioned, is failing to regularly monitor your health, and therefore miss early signs and symptoms of conditions which

could cause disability and might be prevented. Many unexpected and unavoidable situations can of course arise, but having regular check-ups is important in many ways.

There may be no apparent risk factors.
Second, know that older adults are often abused - in many ways - and it is usually by someone they know and often someone they care about. Abuse by family is occurring in epidemic proportions, often not recognized or reported, and still not well studied or understood.

ROB'S SITUATION, to some degree, was influenced by all of these risk factors. Being at risk for abuse does not mean it is your fault. But you must know about it - the risks, signs and causes -and you must have a plan to prevent it, starting now. You also must inform and protect your loved ones, to help them when they may need it. Since I did not know about elder abuse by family, I did not recognize any risk factors for Rob. By the time I realized the harm that was being done to him, it was too late to save him.

THE HARD PART

It is hard enough to convince people to just think about their possible disability and vulnerability. You need to make some decisions about what kind of help you would want - and could afford - if you do become incapacitated. This can take some time, but if no one else knows what is important to you, your life decisions will be made by someone else, with their ideas of what is important.

It may be difficult to talk to your family and loved ones, and they may not always agree with your wishes, but having these conversations in advance can help others know what is important to you. Write down your wishes; put a copy on your refrigerator; give copies to your family, your health care providers and anyone else who you think might need one

Helping people share their wishes for care through the end of life:

✔theconversationproject.org

CHAPTER 5 - If You are Old and Ill

Tue, 06 May 2025 17:33:40 GMT

After much trial and error in the treatment of Rob’s problems from long-ago radiation for prostate cancer, he underwent surgery for a permanent catheter. He handled it well, making the necessary adjustments to his routine. Over the next year, there were a few problems with urinary tract infections – UTIs - which were easily treated with antibiotics and hydration.

Unknown to me (but apparently known by everyone else), was the fact that UTIs are the second most common type of infection in older adults. In younger people, they usually produce painful burning or pressure. In seniors, however, they more typically show up as sudden confusion and disorientation and may resemble serious conditions like dementia. If an older person cannot report their symptoms clearly, or if the symptoms are missed, the infection can spread and cause severe problems. This is what happened to Rob.

RED FLAGS WAVING

His daughter, Dotty, had begun taking care of his health needs and appointments. Things were different. She changed his urologist from the one who had been treating him for several years. She did not give Rob or me a reason, but I suspect that it was because the new doctor’s office was closer to Rob’s neighborhood and a shorter drive for her. I was not aware, then, of her tendencies to always put herself first. Perhaps it was an “only child” symptom?

She had also taken over the ordering of Rob’s medical supplies. She sometimes forgot and sometimes ordered the wrong items and wrong sizes.This caused him discomfort and distress, but he did not complain. I only knew about it when he asked me for the correct ordering information. The improper supplies may also have contributed to his subsequent infections.

STARTING TO WONDER

Rob had episodes of confusion which came with the urinary tract infections. I did not know about the connection between the two conditions. I did see that his cognitive impairment cleared up when the infection did. I felt sure that, since Dotty was in touch with Rob’s doctor, she had to know that his “dementia” was due to and caused by the infections. Why did she insist otherwise?

This is when I began to wonder about Dotty’s motives. She claimed that he had dementia, and had his family doctor administer tests. (I never knew the results, but later found out that his test turned out to be invalid, because his hearing aids weren’t working.) The doctor did prescribe a cognition-enhancing medication.

Was it Dotty’s plan to gain total control of her father and his assets by proving him mentally incompetent? She was his only child and he had made all the provisions for her to be the beneficiary of everything he owned. Did Dotty and her husband find that living on retirement income put too much strain on their active lifestyle and they needed his money sooner rather than later? (Early Inheritance Syndrome is the cause of much abuse by family.)

I was to find out that it was her plan, and it was a part of a greater, deadly plan. Rob did not have a plan that would prevent harm to him. His arrangements, in fact, helped her accomplish her plan – to the bitter end.

ANCHORS AWEIGH

Dotty and her husband left on an extensive cruise. Did she ever think that, with Rob needing her help more often, perhaps she should not be away for a long period of time? Rob was still experiencing the effects of his surgery and recurring urinary tract infections. He still needed help with his health care needs. She was the only family member who could help him. I could help in many ways, but she took him to doctors and controlled his prescriptions.

Shortly before they sailed, they sent me a gift and a card thanking me for all my help with Rob. Was this just a nice gesture? It was the first gift – and thank-you – from them. Or did they just want to be sure I would take responsibility while they vacationed? Of course I would. I was with him every day. But that was not enough to save him.

MAKE A PLAN WHILE YOU CAN

When I talk about planning for dependence, I often see glazed eyes, and I get one of several reactions – disbelief, disinterest or denial. I am not very popular on the speakers’ circuit or at cocktail parties. The reality of life, however, is that for many of us, independence will become impossible at some time – sooner or later, temporary or permanent.

No one likes to think about being incapacitated, or about dying. But deciding how you want to be treated will not only help you, it will help anyone who will be making decisions for you. There are many things to think about. You may feel that you have too many other problems right now, or think it couldn’t happen to you. You may think planning is unnecessary or is tempting fate.

However, I have seen up close that being helpless can bring all kinds of unwanted treatment, even terror, abuse and death. Yes, it is one of those things you might not need. But if you need it and don’t have it, nothing can save you. Kind of like a parachute or a life jacket.

✔The Complete Eldercare Planner, Joy Loverde. Also, some checklists can be downloaded:

CHAPTER 6 - The Beginning Of The End

Tue, 06 May 2025 17:33:38 GMT

Rob was recovering from surgery and getting his strength back, but had occasional urinary tract infections. His daughter, Dotty, was handling his medical appointments and his medications. His infections were treated with antibiotics and hydration, but often caused confusion and disorientation.

His daughter and her husband left on a very long cruise. They went on many cruises – at least one a year when I knew them, as well as in earlier years, according to Rob. It was easy for me to help him with his recovery and I watched him for signs of infection – feeling ill, fever, and confusion – but I missed some.

TURNING POINT

One day I found him incoherent and barely conscious, burning up with fever. Another UTI, but since his daughter was away, and was not there to call the doctor, perhaps in his confusion he was waiting for her to return. He was taken by ambulance to the hospital.

Dotty’s daughters had let her know what had happened and she and her husband cut short their cruise and returned in a few days. They did not need to do this, but Dotty did not check with me. They had left on their long cruise knowing that Rob was struggling with recovery from serious surgery and was battling recurring infections. It seemed that they should have known that there was a likelihood of a crisis occurring.

He was better in just a few days and ready to be discharged. Rob thought he was going home from the hospital to recover his strength, with some part-time home care if needed. He was walking – not bed-ridden or needing a wheelchair. The chances were good that he could return to the independent life he was living just a few weeks earlier. His mind was clear, he could take care of himself; he was weak but so happy to be going home. He was feeling better and was cracking jokes. They were his last.

RED FLAG #1

Dotty did not tell me about her plans and did not include me in any conferences with hospital staff. She announced that she was taking Rob directly from the hospital to a live-in rehab facility. He objected and she claimed – wrongly – that he could not manage in his two-story home and that home care was too costly. I mentioned that I had a lot of experience with home care for both my father and my late husband and knew that it was more personal, more emotionally supportive and usually cheaper than institutional care. She ignored us both.

RED FLAG #2

He very much wanted to return to his comfortable home, and could afford any necessary home care, but he did not argue with her. I thought he was too passive and only later, and too late, saw that he feared, - with a primal, deep-down fear - that she would abandon him if he did not comply. She was his only child. I had no legal standing, and his siblings either did not know about his circumstances, or were told lies. I knew nothing about the dreadful dynamics of elder abuse by family.

Taking advantage of his temporary disability and confusion, as well as his trust and dependence on her, she ignored his wishes to go home. This in spite of the fact that she, as well as anyone who knew him, knew that home would be his unquestionable choice. As it would be for almost anyone.

RED FLAG #3

Dotty took him to a rehab facility. She stated that she had done research and had found the “very best one”. (This, as well as her many other false claims, is well documented in my diary and copies of her texts to me.) This facility was not the best, but did just happen to be close to her home and far from me and his friends and neighbors. It was also shabby, dirty and understaffed. But the worst was yet to come

DO NOT FEAR DEPENDENCY – FACE IT.

Conversations and plans about your physical, medical and financial choices are critical as you age or become ill. You need to express your wishes clearly so that you are treated fairly by the medical system and by caregivers.

This is true if you plan to stay at home, and especially if you will be in a facility such as rehab, assisted living or a nursing home where the quality of medical care may vary. Why should all your wishes, wants and hopes for your life be wiped out because you have lost some abilities?

Planning what you want if incapacitated is the same as planning for the end of life. No one likes to think about dependency or death but planning for it helps you and your loved ones. A plan makes sure you are heard and can ease the stress on your loved ones of making choices on your behalf. And helping aged parents to plan helps you.

You should pick a health care agent who can make medical and financial decisions if you can’t. Or pick two – or more - agents, separately, one for medical and another for financial matters.

If you have long term care insurance, check what is covered.
You must review your plan regularly – pick a date to remember at least yearly. You can change your plan at any time.
Do it now. Life is notoriously unpredictable.
Planning does not mean you have to be old. Just wise.

✔Aging in America, by Karol Charles. See appendix E: My Life Plan Questionnaire and Checklist. Use code 2019Rose.

CHAPTER 7 - With Malice Aforethought

Tue, 06 May 2025 17:33:37 GMT

After three days in the hospital recovering from a severe infection, Rob was taken to a rehab facility by his daughter, Dotty - against his wishes. Almost everyone, if given a choice between returning to their home or going to stay in a facility, would choose home, although some might really need to go there before returning home. Rob did not need to go to a live-in rehab facility. Rob was not given a choice. He was walking, dressing, caring for himself and clear-headed at the time of his discharge from the hospital.

He needed only time to recover his strength and mobility. There was no permanent damage. He would have done well with support from me and some short-term, part-time home care help. He could, if needed, have gotten in-home rehab services. It was puzzling that Dotty chose otherwise. Puzzling at the time, but only too clear later, when it was too late.

SHE HAD A PLAN. HE DIDN’T

Anyone who knew Rob knew that he would choose home care. Dotty claimed to have researched costs and benefits of home care and institutional care. (I have documented some conversations and texts from Dotty, showing her “exaggerations” about home care costs.) She packed up his things and installed him in a place which she said was “the best”. It was far from the best, but was conveniently located close to her home. It was 40-50 minutes away from our neighborhood. I went every day and spent hours with him and tried to help in any way possible.

While in rehab, Rob did not need a wheelchair but was always transported in one and not encouraged to walk around. This was counter-productive, as the physical therapy sessions were to help him regain his normal activities? He was up and dressed every day and since he had no infections while there, he must have had the proper supplies and adequate help in handling them. He was in this place for 30 days. He hated it. The aides were hard-working and pleasant, but the place was obviously understaffed. It was also shabby and dirty. But the worst was yet to come.

COLD COMFORT

His single room had a bed, a closet, a “dresser”, a half-bath, and one small window with a broken shade. The shower room for the patients was down a long hallway from his room. He was taken there in a wheelchair and was not dressed after showering, not even with a robe and slippers. He, like other patients, was simply swathed, barefoot and damp, in something towel-like. The aides then actually ran with him, in his wheelchair, back to his room. It took him a long time to warm up and dry off.

He was taken to a physical therapy session every day, which he did not enjoy, but it seemed to be helping him. His meals were always eaten in his room. He spent the rest of his time in bed. There was no intercom to communicate with the staff; there was only a very ineffective call button with which to summon help. The overworked staff had to answer in person, so it often didn’t happen. There was no room telephone. I don’t know if arrangements could be made to get one but Dotty didn’t. Although he did not need critical care, the constant waiting, lack of attention, and loss of his usual routines were tiresome

DEPENDENCE DAY

During his stay there, he saw only me, staff members, his daughter, and her husband. Only a few times did friends visit. I thought it was because it was a long drive for them, but later found that Dotty might have been discouraging visitors. I had seen him almost daily for the past five years, and had helped him with some health problems, but Dotty never told me her plans for him and never included me in any evaluations or conferences with the staff.

When I asked his daughter if I could take him outside for a walk – he loved the outdoors and his long walks – she said no. I could see no reason, because he wasn’t ill. Rob never disagreed with her. He was silent and did not respond whenever I encouraged him to speak up. I also was reticent, because I did not want to worry Rob or anger her. He was temporarily dependent on her. I thought that, although he was a virtual prisoner, he would benefit from the physical therapy and then could go home. Again, I was so wrong.

THE AWFUL TRUTH

I was still blindly unaware of his daughter’s ultimate goal, but the hate and resentment, which had been simmering for who knows how long, had begun to surface. She was his only child and would get everything he owned when he died. But when? Nothing had improved when she took over his health care. It was a nuisance for her to see to his medical needs and she had to cancel one of her perpetual cruises. But here he was, 86 years old, had survived several bouts of cancer, open heart surgery, septicemia, and was still going strong. And even had a new love in his life. And maybe he was spending a lot of money on that new love?

She had a plan. She was tired of taking him to doctors (and once to the emergency room.) It interfered with her socializing and her cruises. And she, as it turned out, needed money. Her husband was often on the phone when I saw him – trying to get money refunded from their aborted cruise.

She did not want Rob to recover. She did not want him to ever return to his home. This was the start of her unrelenting goal, fueled by lies and threats, to end his life. The horror of it dawned slowly on me and I tried to stop it. But I couldn’t.

PLAN WHILE YOU CAN – START NOW – FIRST STEP

Think of one person you might trust to take care of you if you become unable to care for yourself.
Think of two more trustworthy people.
Think of where and how you would want to live if disabled physically.
Think of where and how you would want to live if you had dementia.
Write it all down.

✔Senior Rehab: Better Care Options After a Hospital Stay

A Place for Mom, May 14, 2024

CHAPTER 8 - The Nightmare Begins

Tue, 06 May 2025 17:33:35 GMT

This was the start. I watched, helpless, as my friend Rob was forced into a rehab facility by his daughter, when he could have gone home from the hospital after recovering from an infection. Most people want to stay at home, if possible, when they need care. He especially loved his home because he had created it. His home was on the water, with wide open views of water and sky. He had transformed the original 2-story townhouse into a huge open space with vistas from both floors and striking décor.

BARE MINIMUM

At the rehab facility, Rob’ s accommodations consisted of one room, one small window with a broken shade, and a half-bath. He had a single bed, a chest of drawers, a chair, and a TV. The furniture was scarred and scraped; the floors and bathroom were dirty. (I occasionally tracked dark, sticky patches on the floor and they often remained unscathed for days.) There was no choice for meals.

There was a board in his room that apparently was supposed to display the date and the name of the nurse or aide on duty but never did. There was no wall clock and no telephone. One aide informed him that he could generally expect to wait at least 10 minutes for any response to his call button. He would get himself to the bathroom if no one came in time.

There were alarms for the bed and the wheelchair. They were often set off by his ordinary movements, but again, there was slow if any response and he had to learn how to turn them off by himself. Anyone could see or walk into his room at any time. In fact, anyone could walk into the building itself at any time, and go to the public rooms and patients’ rooms. Someone was in an office inside the front door, but I was never asked to give my name or purpose, or to sign in.

RED FLAGS

Red flag #1 - his being placed in a facility when he could have gone home, as he wished. Red flag #2 – his apparent complacency. Red flag # 3 - A rehab therapist stated that he should not be in a private room – that he needed to connect with more staff and non-staff people as he would in a semi-private room. As it was, even though I came every day, his daughter came very often and her husband came along sometimes, Rob was often alone for long stretches during the month he was there.

In spite of the daily physical therapy, he never engaged in any other activities and was often lethargic and fuzzy-minded. Wondering what medications he was receiving, I asked his daughter for a list of those, but she never supplied that information. Red flag # 4?

UNPROTECTED AND UNSUSPECTING

All those red flags! I was still puzzled but not alarmed. Until I began to make daily notes and a pattern of occurrences emerged that didn’t make sense. My suspicions grew into shuddering fear. Before Dotty drove him from the hospital to rehab, she had stopped at his house to pack some clothes and other belongings for his stay. As the days passed, I noticed that many important items were not included in her packing.

He had no phone or tablet, and so no email, which he had used daily. He also had no wallet, cash, checkbook or credit card. No ID and not even a pencil and paper. He wanted to check his financial situation and some legal information, and especially, he wanted to check on his costs and services at the institution. His glasses were missing, as was his watch, electric shaver, comb and brush. He had only one change of clothes and no shoes. His hearing aids did not work, causing him a constant struggle with communication and comprehension.

I brought him some of the missing items, but could not find his wallet or his mobile phone. Dotty brought him a new shaver, a comb, and a small whiteboard and marker which was never used. I had his hearing aids repaired, but soon they somehow disappeared. Dotty said she would take him to buy new ones when he got out of rehab, but she could have taken him at any time. He was not bedridden.

Rob asked Dotty about the cost of his stay there. He also asked her several times for his wallet and cards and cash. She never produced them. She told him she was paying for his rehab stay. I realized later that he had added her to his checking account, so yes, she probably was paying for it – with his money. I often mentioned to her that he needed a phone. His friends and I could not text, email, or phone him.

All of this was confusing for me and for Rob, who was trying to adjust to this new life. I hesitated to mention my misgivings to Rob, and he never complained. I often suggested that he speak up to Dotty when he needed or wanted something, or about how unhappy he was there, but he never did. My fears, however, were justified.

This turned out to be the beginning of a well-planned course of abuse , as well as the use of a form of psychological, emotional, and physical manipulation known as undue influence . There are several types of abuse, which can cause pain, confusion and even death. Undue influence causes its victims to question, or doubt, their sanity, judgement, and memory, and to alter their actual perception of reality. This is what happened to Rob.

THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE

Dependence makes us vulnerable. It is likely that at some time – at any time of life - it will become difficult to care for ourselves, even if temporarily. Rob was only briefly dependent on his daughter, but it was enough time for her hidden hatred and greed to propel her to abuse him to death. To protect against unwelcome and loathsome choices that others may make for us, some advance planning is needed. Part two:

Start a tentative list by answering some questions. If you became disabled:

Where would you want to live? At home, with relative or friend, at a facility?
Who might help you with your transition? Relative, friend, attorney, doctor?
How much will it cost? What will my assets will cover? Do I have long term care insurance, Medicare or Medicaid?
Who would be able and willing to help you in the long term? With finances, health care, and other obligations?

✔Planning My Way – A free detailed advanced care planning guide. Planningmyway.org

CHAPTER 9 - True Crime

Tue, 06 May 2025 17:33:34 GMT

As Rob spent a month in a rehab facility, it became clear to me that Rob’s daughter, Dotty, did not want to help him. She actually wanted to harm him, but in secret. I found that elder abuse by family was not an abstract abomination; it was a real-life horror story and I was a broken-hearted witness.

DEPRIVATION AND ISOLATION

Rob was not ill. He was recovering his strength after being hospitalized and treated for septicemia. He did not need to be in a live-in rehab facility. He could walk and talk and take care of himself. (I understand that Medicare will pay for some rehab care but it must be medically necessary. I don’t know if this was somehow manipulated for Rob, or if Dotty paid all costs - more than likely using his money, as he had recently added her to his checking account. She told me that the single room for Rob was very expensive. As time went on, I saw that whatever the cost, he had to be in a single room as part of her plan for isolating him.

Before his daughter transported him directly from the hospital to the rehab facility, she had packed some of his belongings for his stay. As he settled in, it was apparent that she had omitted many of his day-to day needs. I was able to find some things at his home and gave him some cash and brought him his mail. Still no wallet, ID, computer, or mobile phone. His hearing aids had not been working since he was in the hospital. I took them to be repaired and they were fine, but somehow they soon disappeared, and most of the testing and evaluations by therapists and social workers were meaningless because he could not hear well. He had only a television, which of course he couldn’t hear properly, so he resorted to lots of swearing and he was very good at that.

SILENCE IS NOT GOLDEN

He sometimes conveyed his frustrations to the staff, but not to me. Once in a while, when he did ask me a question or express frustration with his situation, I urged him to talk to Dotty about his wishes. He might have tried, but I realized that she had some power over him that he couldn’t or wouldn’t fight. He had been an easy-going, non-combative person and was only occasionally stubborn or bad tempered. He gradually got quieter and quieter, and said nothing about blaming Dotty, so I was careful about bringing up my suspicions and fears. I did not foresee the true horror of Rob’s situation yet.

UNDUE INFLUENCE

Elder abuse is tragically frequent, and some form of inappropriate manipulation, or undue influence , is usually involved. Undue Influence is a legal term and has long been documented though not well known. There are three main types: deception, duress, and unconscionable or excessive demands.

According to Bennett Blum, MD: “Everyone - regardless of age, health, education, or experience - is susceptible to one or more of these methods. Medical issues, whether physical or mental, make it easier for a perpetrator to manipulate or overwhelm their victim, but are not necessary and do not have to be present. It all depends on the individual’s circumstances.

Perpetrators may be anyone - family members, friends, caregivers, or advisors. The major motivations are greed and control. Some of the more common strategies for committing undue influence include: 1) Making threats, 2) nagging, pestering or harassing, 3) intentionally deceiving or misleading someone by telling lies or partial truths, and 4) isolating the intended victim from the truth and from people who could protect him. Isolation is often misunderstood. One can be isolated even when surrounded with people.”

Rob was a victim of psychological and emotional abuse, financial exploitation, and undue influence. As it turned out, he had an implacably hateful daughter (and her family, who helped her), but he did not know it. He suffered and died in four months because of Dotty’s deliberate actions. It happened because I had never heard of nor encountered such evil, and because he did not have a plan that would prevent her from robbing him, while he was still alive, of everything he possessed, and then killing him.

PLAN WHILE YOU CAN

You could pick someone who would help you if you became disabled, short-term or longer. You could then sit back and hope it will all work out. Or you could go with some more protection by putting your wishes in writing to back up your plan. You could really exert yourself and fill out questionnaires, read about types of care, and fill out some legal documents. You could review the kinds of treatment you might prefer, and where you want to live.

But what if the person you chose for help is not available or willing to help you when the time comes? Sometimes the one you chose may have moved or died, remarried, become mentally unsound, or succumbed to drugs or alcohol. Or, like Rob’s daughter, might have harbored a hidden hate for years and was also financially stressed. Three things to do: review and evaluate your plan regularly, appoint more than one health agent, and share your plan with friends and family members.

CHAPTER 10 - Undue Influence

Tue, 06 May 2025 17:33:31 GMT

Rob was in a Rehab facility for a month. He did not need to be there and I could not understand why Dotty, his daughter, forced him to go. He did tell her that he wanted to be at home and could have managed well, but did not put up much of a fight when she ignored him.

I also wondered why she did not make sure that he had as many comforts as possible, including his mobile phone, laptop, and working hearing aids. Dotty did not pay any attention to my suggestions either, although she and I were there almost every day. When needed, we also exchanged text messages. At this time, I began keeping a daily written record of events, along with copies of Dotty’s text messages and any other documents.

ALL HE WANTED WAS TO GO HOME

My concern grew as I realized that he had no means of communication with anyone unless they were in the room. Even then, face-to-face, his faulty hearing made it difficult for him to connect. His newly repaired hearing aids could not be found. Dotty said she would take him to get new ones when he got out of rehab, but she could have taken him any time.

I consoled – and fooled – myself by thinking that all would be well when he got home. I was taking care of his house and his car, and getting his mail – giving the bills to Dotty. I asked Dotty’s husband to set up the bubbler on Rob’s pier to protect it from ice formation. He tried but it never worked properly. Fortunately, the pier suffered no damage.

Rob, however was suffering damage. He was miserable, missing his routine, his rain or shine long walks in the park, his favorite food and snacks. He was cooped up and restricted, making him feel suffocated. Just the inactivity and isolation would make make anyone feel diminished and helpless. He was not a big socializer, so the bingo and sing-alongs were not his style.

INTENDED CONSEQUENCES?

Rob often asked me about his house and car and the neighborhood. He loved it all so much and missed it and was homesick. He had occasional visitors, but it was a long drive from our neighborhood. One of his friends told me that Dotty tried to discourage her from visiting, telling her that Rob was sick and didn’t want visitors. Dotty did not tell me about any of his test results and did not include me in any conferences with therapists or doctors, even though I had seen him nearly every day for the past five years.

Another thing that Dotty did, which was curious, was to bring Rob a milkshake almost every time she came, which was usually just before his lunch. It was another piece of the puzzle that didn’t fit. One therapist remarked to me that he should not be in a private room, that he needed more contact with people. He still had no phone or computer and few visitors and, along with his deafness, he was very isolated.

TRUE CRIME

It is elder abuse whenever someone limits or controls the rights and freedoms of an older adult. The victim is unable to freely make choices because they are misinformed about their condition or choices, and they are afraid of being humiliated, hurt, left alone or of the relationship ending. Abuse by family is the most prevalent type of elder abuse.

Rob was becoming the victim of undue influence. It was the way his daughter was manipulating him. I did not know about it or witness any outright adverse treatment – it was all very subtle and deceptive. Most of her actions could be seen as help from a loving daughter.

Rob’s circumstances and withdrawal, however, were signaling the stress and distress he was experiencing, and it would become worse. She was somehow threatening him. It was painful to watch fear and depression take over his formerly bright and funny mind.

I was trying to find a way to stop what was happening, and did not want to tell him what I believed she was doing. She was the only family that could care for him. He had no one but me to try to fight for his rights and I had no legal standing. None of his siblings seemed to know anything about what was happening to Rob. He had one niece who was Dotty’s close friend and would believe anything she was told. I also did not directly oppose Dotty, fearing that she would find a way to prevent me from seeing him. She eventually did, however.

IN HARM’S WAY

To recognize, prevent or stop undue influence or other family abuse, you have to know about it. The victims are the lonesome, isolated, impaired, ill, or grieving. Family members can often get vulnerable people to do things they wouldn’t have done otherwise.

Undue influence is complex. Victims seem to understand what they’re doing. Some defend their abusers even as they reject their loved ones. Those who try to expose perpetrators or undo the damage are often cast as the villains.

WHAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU OR A LOVED ONE

The stages of undue influence: how an abusive relationship develops. [Martin Hagan’s Trust and Estates Resource]

➡ The perpetrator, whether an opportunist or predator, first recognizes that the elderly person is vulnerable. This observation may be based on the older person’s physical and/or mental deficiencies in vision, memory, speech, hearing, or mobility.

➡ The perpetrator next secures the victim’s trust and confidence by being friendly, considerate, and helpful. (If there has been a long-standing relationship between the parties, this trust may already be present.)

➡As the victim grows to place their trust and confidence increasingly in the perpetrator, the perpetrator begins to isolate the victim from contact with other people (friends, relatives, attorney, clergy, etc.) who have been helpers in the past, or whose influence might interfere with that of the perpetrator.

➡In the more obvious cases, phone calls are screened, mail is checked, and attempts by others to visit the victim are discouraged or conducted only in the presence of the perpetrator.

➡The perpetrator creates isolation.

➡The perpetrator can create a warped sense of reality in which the victim learns to regard all others with fear and mistrust.

➡Gradually, the victim transfers all of their affection to the perpetrator. The victim will even lie about their condition to keep away family, friends, the police, or an investigator sent by the area’s Protective Service program.

➡At this stage the perpetrator will begin to manipulate the victim through acts of intimidation and threats, e.g., withholding food or medicine or ceasing any further contact, unless the victim does what is wanted by the perpetrator.

✔ Elder Abuse, Financial Loss, and Undue Influence: FAQs by Bennett Blum, MD.

CHAPTER 11 - No Home for Rob

Tue, 06 May 2025 17:33:29 GMT

I spent as much time with Rob in rehab as I could. His daughter, Dotty, came often; sometimes her husband came with her. I never saw her daughters there. Before his hospitalization, Rob had kept in touch with most of his siblings, but none of them came to visit him. He, having no phone or tablet or laptop, could not communicate with them.

Dotty was best friends with one of Rob’s nieces, so she and her parents might have known about Rob. But would they have been told the truth? Dotty may have deflected any siblings as she did some of his friends.

He still had few visitors while in rehab. Only one or two other friends visited at all and I knew that several times Dotty discouraged or stopped them. It seems, looking back, that at least one of the many aides, social workers, and therapists, who saw him regularly, should have noticed his isolation and decline. But nothing changed.

THREE STRIKES

Rob’s relationship with his daughter had always seemed to be cordial. I sensed no bitterness or friction between them, but I was wrong. She must have harbored a lot of hatred and resentment but she had always kept in touch with him. She was always pleasant when we were visiting Rob at the same time. We also exchanged information by texting, although she never reported any of his test results or when he might be released.

I was not sure about Dotty’s actions or motives until she put him in the rehab facility against his wishes. Because of that and the signs that she was deliberately isolating him, I started making daily notes and copies of her texts and actions. Rob was becoming sadder and quieter as time went on and stayed in bed more and more. Then three things happened.

UNBELIEVABLE

Dotty wanted to take over the care of Rob’s house. I gave her a key. I had an extra one but did not tell her. I should not have given her a key - another mistake. She now had control of his mail and would use that to make more trouble. Even worse, she had access to all of his belongings, and his car.

he next blow came when Rob asked me if his house was empty. When I asked why, he told me that they were going to give his car (a twenty-year old Toyota) to one of Dotty’s daughters and also sell his house. I couldn’t believe it, but a few days later I saw her car at his house and then both her car and his were gone. He told me that he didn’t want to sell his house.

I was horrified at what this meant but had no idea what I could do. Rob wouldn’t speak up and object. I still didn’t want to tell him that I now knew that Dotty was deliberately hurting him. I also feared what she would do if I confronted her. She held all the cards. Then strike three – a family friend told me that Dotty was transferring Rob to an assisted living facility. This of course meant that he would never return to his beloved home.

I JUST WANT TO GO HOME

One of the biggest fears of the elderly is being institutionalized. While some elders welcome the care and in some cases home care is not possible, most people simply want to stay home. Changing the living circumstances of an elder person, disabled or not, can be very disturbing and disorientating for them. If they don’t want to move, and unless there is no other way, making them move is an abuse of their freedom of choice. The move to assisted living was the third time Rob had been relocated in a month’s time.

Rob could have done well at home, needing only my help and some short-term, part-time home care, which he could have easily afforded. He could have resumed his everyday tasks, his walks, shopping and chatting with neighbors. When elders are forced into institutions, there is a shock of loss. It is the loss of their way of life.

WHY THE SILENCE?

There are many reasons why abused elders do not speak up or report bad treatment to an authority or a medical provider.

The elder may not realize that the treatment is actually abuse and may believe there is a reason for the abusive treatment.
The victim may want to protect the abuser from legal actions or defamatory gossip – especially if the abuser is a family member.
The abuser may be making threats of retribution and/or abandonment if the victim does not do as they are told.

It is difficult to detect some types of abuse. Bruises and broken bones are apparent, but concerned family members, staff members in long term care facilities, and mental health professionals should be able to recognize signs of other types of abuse. Infliction of undue influence overcomes the victim’s will and reasoning so they will believe whatever is told them by their abuser.

Rob’s abuses turned out to be mental, emotional, physical and financial. After one month of controls by his daughter, he had already lost his way of life and his personhood.

This, and worse, can happen to anyone, any age, culture, background, religion, race, gender, social environment, smart or not smart.

✔️ Saving Susie: An Elder Abuse Horror Story – by Nancy Richmond

CHAPTER 12 - Save Yourself and your Loved Ones

Thu, 01 May 2025 18:28:39 GMT

After spending a month in a rehab facility, Rob was in worse condition than when he entered. He did not need rehabilitation, so the confinement and isolation were a torment for him. His daughter, Dotty, was taking away his freedom to choose how he wanted to live his life. Now, she was transferring him to an assisted living facility.

In rehab, he was listless and depressed. I finally realized that He was being isolated deliberately in every possible way by Dotty. He so missed his happy and independent life in his marvelous home, even though somewhat limited by his age and health problems. By now, if he had been at home, he would have recovered his strength after his short hospital stay.

HE ONLY WANTED TO GO HOME

Dotty was no longer the pleasant person who had kept in touch with her father even though busy with her travels, her various worthy organizations and her church. Her secret agenda was beginning to show itself. When Dotty took him from rehab to assisted living It was painfully clear that she was intentionally making his life unbearable by brutally isolating and manipulating him. He was very confused and seemed to believe Dotty’s lies, but occasionally told me what he was really thinking.

Rob told me one day that she said there were people who would take care of him in assisted living, but that if he went home he would be alone. She had orchestrated, in addition to a single room in both places, few visitors, no phone or computer, no working hearing aids and no control of his finances or future plans. What long, empty days for him, what sadness, and worry. Of course, to everyone else, she seemed to be a loving and attentive daughter.

HERE BE DRAGONS

She had his power of attorney, was on the deed to his house and on his bank account. I was at first distrustful, but now distressed. Rob’s ordeal was becoming worse and worse. He occasionally told me things that showed what she was doing in addition to the obvious things. It was now clear that Dotty wanted to make sure that he would never return to his home. She told him that she had to sell his house. She told him that he would never drive again so she was giving his car to her granddaughter. This was a death sentence for him.

I couldn’t persuade Rob to make objections. Dotty was no doubt lying to him and threatening him – probably about abandoning him if he didn’t do what she said. No one else in his family seemed to know what was happening to him. She had already stopped all communication with me, apart from a few texts, and I was terrified of somehow being unable to see Rob. I was the only one who was able to be in his new, cruelly restricted life. I tried to see him every day, despite the long commute. It was futile, because as unobtrusive as I tried to be, Dotty eventually found a way.

I MADE A PLAN

I was panicking and struggling about how to stop Rob’s torture. Since direct confrontation with Dotty and her family, seemed unlikely to help, I thought that they might retreat if their actions were exposed. I spoke to some of his neighbors. They were all sympathetic. One wonderful woman, who with her husband was a long-time close friend of Rob and his wife. She kept in touch with Dotty and visited Rob, and relayed to me any information she got. She told me when and where Dotty took Rob to the assisted living facility. (This place was not as shabby as the rehab place, and even had a front desk where visitors had to check in.)

Another lovely woman, a close neighbor, who sadly has died too soon, was very supportive, through visits and messages and offers to talk to Dotty. The neighbors all knew Dotty, and I heard quite a lot about her life. There were others who were comforting before and after Rob’s death and a proposal was made in his neighborhood to name a street after him – the main street where he collected trash for ten years.

For more exposure, I wrote posts on a neighborhood website about Rob’s unfolding nightmare. I got some more responses, but I believe the family abuse aspect made people hesitant about interfering, so nothing changed. Things got worse and worse, and I had to look for other ways to stop the abuse.

INSTANT PLAN

Few people have the time, money and support needed to stop elder abuse of any kind, once it has begun. Very few will ever see the persecutors punished. The best plans are aimed at prevention. My ideas for saving Rob were too late because I didn’t know anything about abuse by family.

The person I want to make care decisions for me
The kind of medical treatment I want or don’t want
How comfortable I want to be
How I want people to treat me
What I want my loved ones to know

You can make a plan in minutes, especially if you have given any thought to the possibility of becoming dependent. It is a good way to start, and covers the basics. There is also a legal form to make your wishes legal and valid. (There may be a small charge.) You can get much more information about other plans, but this is a quick and easy way to start.

✔️ A program of Aging with Dignity

888-5-WISHES https://www.fivewishes.org/

CHAPTER 13 - The Best Laid Plans

Wed, 30 Apr 2025 13:42:42 GMT

I hoped that when I executed my plan for exposing Rob’s daughter’s intentions to his neighborhood (where she grew up), that she would hear about it and deny my assertions. Thus she would incriminate herself. That was a foolish hope and it didn’t happen and probably caused her to be more careful – but no less deadly.

During his stay in the rehab facility, Dotty and I often met when visiting him. Otherwise we communicated sporadically by text. The following are all the transcribed texts during that time. She was lying to me, and telling the same lies to many of Rob’s family, friends or caregivers.

COMMUNICATION WITH DOTTY

Message from Dotty, Febuary 4, 1:31 PM

“He asked me if he would ever be able to drive again… Told me he had to talk W/a woman this morning and it was “bullshit”. I asked what they talked about and he had no idea…He told me he doesn’t think he will ever get out.

Message from Dotty, Febuary 5, 4:46 PM

“Got him to walk outside W/ his walker. He didn’t know where he lived, how old he was or what month it is… The nurse told me he really used some colorful language last night."

Message from Jane, Febuary 5, 4:57 PM

“Got his hearing aids fixed.”

Message from Dotty, Febuary 7, 4:12 PM

“Have a planning meeting here on Monday to discuss options/plans for him. Involves all staff that have evaluated him. Hope those hearing aids work!”

Message from Jane, Febuary 7, 4:30 PM

“I don’t think much about any evaluations when he couldn’t hear. I spoke with his PT after lunch. Seems they didn’t even know he has a very bad back.

The therapist said there is no way he should be in a private room because he needs more attention. I assume the private room costs more – or maybe they didn’t have any double rooms?”

Message from Dotty, Febuary 7, 5:05 PM

“Yes, costs 2x as much…… His shoulder is really bothering him today, also.”

Message from Jane, Febuary 7, 6:09 PM

“Do they even know that? He has a rotator cuff problem.

Medicare pays for certain kinds of home care and as soon as he can be home, even with 24 -hour care and home PT, it’s better and cheaper than institutional care. I think it would be interesting for him to be in a double room!????”

Message from Dotty, Febuary 10, 10:10 PM

“Had a good talk with him yesterday about next steps. I talked with 3 home care agencies, the prices are unbelievable: 12,000-14,000 per month. This week I am touring several asst living facilities that may have some apt openings. He understands that he can not be alone and doesn’t want to be alone.”

Message from Dotty, Febuary 13, 7:32 PM

“am SO grateful for all of your help. I will let you know what is happening with him.”

LIES AND DECEPTIONS

Her text messages were pure fiction. She exaggerated his mental capacity and his poor physical condition. Rob was not yet completely brainwashed; he was lucid and knew bad things were happening but was unable to protest – probably because of threats and lies from Dotty. I also did not want to confront her and still looked for ways to stop her. Rob had memory problems, and bouts of confusion with his UTIs, but not dementia, which is what she was now claiming. I believe now that she wanted to cover the effects of the mental manipulation she inflicted on Rob.

Her assertion that home care would be too costly was nonsense. He would likely only need an hour a day and only for a week or two. And I would be with him – he would not be alone. I wonder what she was telling him about me?

Again, she did not include me in the staff evaluation meeting. It also appeared that she wanted everyone to believe that his hearing aids were either missing or not working. This, too, I later realized was part of her isolation scheme. What is more isolating than hearing loss?

COULD THINGS GET WORSE?

After she transferred him to an assisted living facility, she no longer communicated with me – making her last promise also false. I sent her two more texts. She did not respond. The first message was: “The repaired hearing aids are under extended warranty.” Two days later she took him to buy new hearing aids. Why? I don’t know, but the new ones also proved to be mostly missing or broken.

A few days later, my message was:

“FYI this morning. In case he hasn’t mentioned it:

-He said his hearing aids don’t work and

-He said until further notice he does not want his house rented or sold, so he can go back at any time.”

She stopped all communication - and pretense - with me. It was open warfare and I was losing.

“HOPE IS NOT A PLAN”

My plan did not work because:

I knew nothing about elder abuse and family predators.
I had no authority.
Rob had a plan but it was not good.
It is easy to inflict harm and abuse on someone who is weak and trusting.
Once begun, abuse – especially by family - is almost impossible to stop, because it is hard to spot and takes too much time.
My plan was reactive, not proactive.
Prevention is the best defense and knowledge about worst cases and outcomes is necessary.

LEARN AND PLAN – DO IT NOW

Most of us have a fear of being old and in need of care. We fear loss of independence, pain, being displaced, or being over-or under -treated medically. Everyone needs to know the danger of not having a plan in case of possible need for care. Rob’s story will show the way.

✔️ Helpguide.org - Elder Abuse and Neglect

CHAPTER 14 - Room 107

Tue, 29 Apr 2025 20:04:12 GMT

Since Dotty, Rob’s daughter, had moved him to an Assisted Living facility, she no longer communicated with me in any way. (I only learned where he was from a friend of Rob’s who knew Dotty.) I visited him the next day.

There he was, living again in one room with one window overlooking a dull and never-changing view, plus a half-bath, and a TV. He still had no computer, no phone or working hearing aids. He was still living with strangers, under other peoples’ rules. He could walk around indoors, but always had to use an unnecessary walker. There were several dining areas, a lobby and a bright enclosed porch to use to break the monotony of a single room. There was also a “social” room, which Rob studiously avoided, calling it the “slumper” room, where people sat slumped in their chairs or wheelchairs, apparently asleep. He was not a big socializer, did not like bingo or sing-alongs.

JAILS WITH CURTAINS

At this place, I had to check in at the front desk at every visit. Since he had no phone, he never knew who might walk into his unlocked room or when. This building was cleaner and less shabby than the rehab facility had been. They offered an impressive list of services:

Independent Living Assisted Living Long Term Care Hospice Care Short Term Stays/Respite Free Home Visit Month to Month Rental No Income Verification Aging in Place Alzheimer’s and Dementia Care Video Surveillance 24/7

In spite of all the supposedly available services, he had barely settled in when he succumbed to another undetected urinary tract infection and was hospitalized. He had always responded rapidly when treated with antibiotics at the onset of an infection. I was concerned that he was not getting proper care. I was also aware that manipulation of medications can be a very effective means of control. Did Dotty not provide the correct and complete information about Rob’s condition and current medications? Was this a poorly run facility? Perhaps. It proved, however to have more sinister, hidden dangers.

COLD COMFORT

Rob again endured hours of being alone, with only my visits most days, and the occasional but contentious episodes with Dotty and sometimes her husband. (I did not know if Rob’s granddaughters ever visited.) He missed his daily long walks in the park. He was always cold. The heater worked, but perhaps he needed steady warmth from caring people, from laughter and companionship. I often urged him to speak up, to protest, but he wouldn’t. He couldn’t.

Rob had always been a strong and often stubborn advocate of honesty and independence. He was not argumentative, pleading or whiney. How chilling was it that he knew his daughter was deliberately torturing him, and he was helpless to resist?

IN HARM’S WAY

When Dotty placed him in Assisted Living, I realized that what she wanted was to harm him or worse, but not why. Was she in financial difficulty and needed his money, or in poor mental health, or addicted to drugs or alcohol? She put on a good front with her travels, her home on many acres, her lavish pool parties and fake concern for her father’s well-being. Some family caretakers suffer great stress because of time and money constraints, but Dotty was retired and was no doubt using Rob’s money.

I knew little about Rob’s past relationship with his daughter. He seemed to love and trust her, and she occasionally met him for lunch, phoned him, and included him in family dinners at holiday times. She was busy with her social events, travel, church, her children and grandchildren. Where and when she got her malice and intent to destroy him I do not know. I did not suspect it and I don’t think Rob did.

Were there some long-ago hurtful family issues that had been simmering in her mind? I did not know the family history, and neighbors never mentioned anything. Only two things stand out in my memory. One time when Rob asked “Do you love your daughter?” I replied that I adored her. That was it. And on one birthday card early in our relationship he wrote “Til you came along, I was barely hanging on.”

THE TIPPING POINT

Was his initial hospitalization for an infection the time when Dotty hatched her plan to get rid of Rob and his problems? Had she been hating the job of helping him when all she wanted was to socialize, go on cruises and have fun? Also, incidentally, was she tired of waiting to get his money? After all, he was very old, but very strong, and had been overcoming many health issues for a long time. (I very likely made another mistake when, at an earlier birthday lunch for Rob, I remarked to Dotty that all of his siblings were still alive and longevity seemed to be a family trait.)

Then came the time when Dotty told Rob that he couldn’t drive any more. He could not understand, since he was not disabled, and had a perfect driving record. She told him that she was giving his car - his beautifully maintained, nearly twenty-year-old treasure - to her granddaughter. Then, the ultimate shock – that his home must be sold. His beloved home, which he designed and loves and where he could live in peace.

NOWHERE TO GO

Rob was devastated. He would never go home. He was helpless. He could not stop her. He could not object. She is his only child and he must depend on her for any possible long - term help. The next three months were a spiral into hell for Rob, a horrible story of hate and greed, of despair and decline, with only a few bright spots from his friends and my family. He did not need to be in assisted living. For him, it was assisted dying.

HOW DO I COPE WITH MY FEELINGS WHEN SOMEONE I LOVE IS HURTING ME?

YOU CAN HELP YOURSELF AND OTHERS IF YOU KNOW

These are some of the most common though unexpressed thoughts of older people living with family violence: from CARIE.org:

“I FEEL SO ALONE”

“I FEEL LIKE THERE’S NOTING I CAN DO”

“I MUST HAVE BEEN A BAD PARENT”

“NO ONE WILL BELIEVE ME IF I TELL THEM”

“PEOPLE WILL THINK I DON’T LOVE MY FAMILY IF I GET HELP”

“IF I TRY TO GET HELP, IT COULD MAKE THINGS WORSE”

“WHO WILL HELP ME IF I PUT THEM OUT?”

CHAPTER 15 - Proof

Mon, 28 Apr 2025 11:58:07 GMT

Now Rob was trying to settle into another new life, in an Assisted Living institution. He was again very disoriented, restricted and isolated, except for a few days in a hospital for another untreated urinary tract infection. He did experience the same lack of everyday communication with others, poor attention to his medical needs, and lack of control of his life. And again, he did not need to be in an assisted living facility.

I had to acknowledge the abuse he was undergoing, and decide if it was temporary or if it was deadly. In spite of all the signs, I could not face the fact that Dotty’s intention was to end not just the burden of his care, but to end his life.

PLUNDER AND PILLAGE

Earlier, when Dotty had requested that I give her a key to the house, I did so, but did not mention that I had a duplicate. I had debated whether or not to move his laptop, cameras, and any other valuables, to my house. I didn’t. One morning, after he had been in assisted living for about a week, I decided to check on these things.

When I entered, I saw that his house was torn apart. All the kitchen cabinets were open, and some were empty. The big television in the living room was on the floor. The large portable heater was unplugged. The dining room chairs were upended. Two smaller TVs and his laptop and cameras were gone. In the bedroom, every drawer, cabinet and closet was open and empty. There was a large pile of clothing on the bed. In his office, his books and papers were being pulled out onto the floor.

In shock, I left. I did not know what to do. I spoke with some of Rob’s neighbors. They had seen Dotty and her husband going in and out, but no one had any idea what to do. It seemed that his family were in a big hurry to get rid of all of his possessions. And of him.

What could I do to stop them? At the first signs of abuse, after my failed plan to expose the abusers, I had decided not to try any government agencies, fearing the usual incompetence and slow response, and planned to contact his family doctor and an attorney. But this was all happening so fast.

ANOTHER SHOCK

I went back to Rob’s house the next morning to take some pictures of the ransacking. Unbelievably, everything was back in place! Was I losing my mind? Did they know I had been there? (Much later, after the house was sold, I guessed that the only reason for the “clean-up” was that someone was coming to look at the property - maybe a Realtor or prospective buyer.)

I checked again the following morning – all torn up again! All of the kitchen cabinets were emptied into large plastic tubs. The three television sets were gone, along with this laptop and cameras, and the heater. His office was trashed.

Over the next few days, Dotty or her husband were there every day. It was obvious that they were planning for his death. They took his car, stripped his home and sold it while he was still alive. They cleared out his whole house – 86 years of memories, books, photos, tools, TVs, cameras, furniture, artwork, prized possessions – before he died. They dismantled and destroyed his whole life. It was as if he was being flayed alive: layer after layer of his strength, pride, dignity and hope were stripped. They killed his soul. Killing his body took a little longer.

SUDDENLY VULNERABLE

Rob was the perfect candidate to be a victim. Dotty was his only child. His siblings were not close. He did not have a circle of friends – just me and one couple who were longtime friends. They did as much as they could, by keeping in touch with Dotty, who they knew well, and visiting Rob when they could. They helped by giving me information, since Dotty no longer communicated with me. I had no legal status and Dotty no doubt was telling lies about me to everyone – and especially to Rob. A short-term illness and a deranged daughter led to his confinement, decline and death.

PREVENT THE TORMENT

Elder abuse by family is hard to detect and even harder to believe, especially if you do not even know that it exists. It is an epidemic with no real solution. Attempts to intervene and stop it are almost always a failure, due to the time and costs. Most victims of abuse by family are too old and sick to live through investigations, examinations and court proceedings. And, as horrifying as the actual abuse is, any attempts to stop it often lead to escalation of the abuse.

THE BEST DETERRENT IS TO PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR LOVED ONES

Learn about the risks and causes of elder abuse by family.
Educate older adults about the dangers and preventions.
Prepare legal and financial defenses – no joint bank accounts, proper power of attorney.
Encourage people to remain as socially active as possible.
Make a plan for your wishes if you become incapacitated.
If you have a designated health care agent, stay aware of their possibly changing situation, especially if it is a family member. (I don’t mean to imply that all family members are out to get you. Most are loving, caring people.)

BUT WHAT IF THEY AREN’T ?????

✔️ What is Emotional Elder Abuse by a Family Member: Understanding the Signs and Impact from Aspire Atlas

CHAPTER 16 - Wrong Again

Sun, 27 Apr 2025 15:03:53 GMT

Having seen how Dotty, Rob’s daughter, and her family ransacked his house while he was isolated and imprisoned in so-called Assisted Living, and after she told him that they were giving his car to her granddaughter and were going to sell his house, it was hard to imagine that they could be more brutal. I thought it was likely that they would sell everything of his that they couldn’t use themselves and toss the rest. But I was wrong. When I next visited Rob, I found that his one room at the facility was filled with more than 30 items from his home – furniture, artwork and decorative items – including large photos of Dotty and family.

EVIL INTENTIONS

What was their intention? Certainly nothing kind or helpful, although it may have looked that way to staff or visitors. In a peculiarly evil and obvious way, they were telling Rob that his one room was his new home. It was a cruel reminder of the cherished home he would never see again. He said to me, “I wish they hadn’t done it, but they worked so hard.”

With all the embellishments, he still did not have a phone, with voicemail, that he could manage. His hearing aids kept “disappearing” and he had no way to contact anyone on the outside. He had few visitors and Dotty was there for each one. When a friend offered to take him out for a ride, or for lunch, Dotty said no. I was fighting anger, guilt, frustration and denial.

MY DILEMMA

I attempted, over and over, to get Rob to tell Dotty that he objected to the way he was being treated. It seemed the only way to fight what was happening. Perhaps he did try. Perhaps he received anger and threats. He never talked to me at length about his situation, but occasionally he said that he wished he wasn’t there, that, given a choice, he would be at home. He said several times, strangely, “This is Dotty’s place and if I go home, I will be alone.” He often referred to the facility as Dotty’s place. It must have been part of the brainwashing she was doing.

Rob did agree to send Dotty a direct statement, saying that he did not want to give up his car or his house. There was no response. She must have been telling him all kinds of lies. I did not want to say to Rob that Dotty was evil but I could not defy her directly. Rob was always honest, disciplined and direct, but not confrontational. He was smart and sensible and funny. He had a strong will to live and had survived several major illnesses and surgeries. He did have a large stubborn streak. I wondered how Dotty was managing to manipulate him.

BE THERE

I tried to be there every day. This is how I discovered the importance of keeping your loved ones out of institutions or if that is not possible, seeing them every day. I saw many ways in which the staff of Rob’s assisted living facility was complicit in his torment. What did the staff think of his family stuffing his room full of unnecessary furnishings? Wasn’t this unusual – never mind that it made the one room more claustrophobic – and more difficult to clean? Dotty had to be influencing them somehow. Where did she even get the idea? Is there a handbook for abusers?

IN HARM’S WAY

By this time, I was afraid of her propensity for hate and revenge. I had the locks on my house changed. I also called the county Adult Protective Services.

IT IS NEVER TOO SOON

1. To educate yourself about the warning signs of any elder abuse:

Unexplained bruises, burns, pressure marks, lack of personal or medical care, dehydration, weight loss
Unusual changes in alertness or behavior
Body bruises or unexplained sexually transmitted diseases
Sudden changes in financial accounts, wills and trusts. Unexplained checks for “gifts” or “loans”

2. To prevent elder abuse:

Be aware of the possibility for elder abuse.
Keep track of older family members, friends and neighbors -- especially those who lack family and social connections or who become unable to care for themselves. Many older people simply “disappear.”
Stay connected, when possible, with older friends and relatives. This will help prevent their isolation and give them a chance to talk about any problems they may be having. It can also help you notice any changes in their behavior or physical condition.
If a loved one has a caregiver, either at home or in a facility, visit often and keep an eye on the caregiver.

3. To learn about programs that support elders in need:

Become familiar with programs such as Meals on Wheels, Legal Aid, the many daily check-in services, grants for family caregivers and other financial assistance programs.
Elders also need to maintain their health with regular check-ups, and be aware of the existence of abuse – by institutions and by family or “friends.” Elders need to have a plan.

DO IT FOR YOU. DO IT FOR THEM. DO IT NOW

If you educate yourself, you can be the best shield against the abuse of your friends and loved ones. The facilities are often complicit. The oft-promoted government programs, the elder attorneys, even the elder’s own physician are unreliable at best, especially in family abuse situations, and responses can be inconsistent, non-existent, or can cause further harm.

You must make a plan for how you want to live if you become incapacitated, and tell your loved ones about it. You have to know what you want and don’t want if you expect someone to speak up for you when you can’t.

✔️Atul Gawande Being Mortal – A wonderful book about medicine and health and what matters in the end.

CHAPTER 17 - Too Little, Too Late

Fri, 25 Apr 2025 11:38:18 GMT

Now I was sure that Dotty meant for her father to die and was frantically trying to find ways to stop her. I did not know that any attempt to intervene and stop elder abuse by family was seldom successful. Most victims are too old, ill or frail to testify or to go through court or other systems.

While Rob was still in the rehab facility, I began sending him a note or a card when I could not visit him. I was still doing some work as a Realtor, and was also spending a lot of time trying to stop Dotty. When he was transferred to Assisted Living, I continued, and began giving him suggestions, greetings from his neighbors and questions about what Dotty was doing. I hoped that Rob would pay more attention to written suggestions and urged him to speak up for himself. However, I believe he initially was too uncertain about what was happening to him, and later too terrified and confused.

ALWAYS RECOMMENDED BUT TOTALLY USELESS

I had reported elder abuse to the county Adult Protective Services (APS), despite my misgivings about government services. After a week with no response, I called to see if anything had been done. Two days later, I received a voice mail message from APS: “the case you referred was screened out by the supervisor, so it is not assigned to anybody. If you have any questions, call…..” I did call, many times, to question why and to ask to talk to the supervisor, but never got any answers.

Just as I feared – another incompetent and unhelpful government agency. Or was it possible that Dotty found out about my complaint and was able to stop it? Was Dotty able to deflect APS?? I wondered -- but now feel sure that someone on assisted living (AL) staff, was taking orders from Dotty.

I believe that what happened just a few days after I registered with APS was because Dotty knew about it. On that day, when I arrived to visit Rob, he would not speak to me. I had no idea why he wouldn’t talk. He relented after a while, and one of the things he stated was – “what happens to my house affects your house.” This made no sense, but it could have been Dotty’s doing – telling some huge lie about me or threatening him – because she knew I was pursuing an investigation.

NO ONE LISTENED

One of the major drawbacks of attempts at intervention of abuse, is that the staff will know about upcoming appointments of any investigation. And if any staff members are, knowingly or not, complicit in abuse cases, abusers can prevent or manipulate the investigation – causing more harm than good.

I was sure that Dotty was lying to staff members about me. Starting in the rehab facility, I introduced myself to therapists and social workers as a close, long -time friend. No one ever consulted me. And at the front desk of AL, when signing in or asking questions, I never got much help. In the first week at AL, when I checked in at the front desk, I was told he was not there. When I asked why or where he was or when he’d be back, they were evasive and said I should contact the family. (It turned out that he had been hospitalized for a urinary tract infection. This indicated a lack of care by AL and/or a lack of information about his medical history.

YOU NEED TO KNOW

There are reasons why staff in long term care facilities don’t report incidents of elder abuse and neglect. If they did, It would go far in reducing abuse.

Ignorance – Some care workers may not know what constitutes abuse. Many previously approved practices are no longer acceptable, and newer employees may not be properly trained. If it can’t be identified, it certainly won’t be reported. A recent review concluded that health and social care professionals in the United States “consistently underestimate the prevalence of elder abuse.”
Normalization – Many health care workers see multiple instances of elder abuse. They are likely to reason that if everyone else does it it must be okay and so there is no need to report any of it.
Fear – Those workers who witness neglect and abuse may not report it for fear of being censured, vilified, blamed, shunned by their co-workers or even losing their jobs. They may be threatened and/or intimidated by supervisors, managers, administrators and/or facility owners who wish to maintain the status quo for various reasons including convenience or keeping costs down, or who simply don’t know what to do about it.
Complacency and cynicism – It takes vast reservoirs of courage and determination to change the system. Our eldercare systems and long-term care facilities are severely broken. Whistleblowers who speak out at great personal risk but to no avail may simply give up.
A Perpetrator’s Paradise – While a good number of staff are compassionate and caring, the sad and sick truth is that long term care facilities are ideal stomping grounds for people who enjoy abusing the weak and vulnerable.

INTERVENTION – LAST TRIES

I was trying to find an elder care attorney who might help. I tried six different attorneys. Some said up front that they couldn’t help me; the rest said they would talk to me after payment of a hefty fee – no promises. I spoke with one of these, who wanted to handle all my legal affairs, promised to get me the information about ownership of the assisted facility Rob was in, and was never heard from again.

I next called Rob’s family doctor, who had a large and flourishing practice, and asked to talk to him about the abuse. An appointment was made, but the doctor did not see me – he sent his office manager. I told her what was happening. She offered one piece of advice. I followed it and it was the cause of the final blow, but also revealed the panic of the Assisted Living administration. My only communication with Rob was in person or in writing, and even that was soon cut off.

BEWARE AND BE AWARE

Anyone, anywhere, can become a victim or a perpetrator of abuse.

Elder abuse by family can seldom be stopped, except by the death of the elder.